This house is really gorgeous. I love the acres of lush backyard, the seven king-sized bedrooms, the self-cleaning bathrooms, and the price is right, but without an open-concept kitchen, I’d simply rather die.

With an open-concept kitchen, I can see my guests while I’m cooking, which is a security issue for me. To say I’ve been robbed numerous times while preparing dinner is an understatement. I don’t care how much it costs to take down a wall or six; the money I’ll save by having an eye on my guests will undoubtedly make it worthwhile.

An open concept is not just so I can see my guests; it’s so I can hear them as well. I can hear them say, “Come on out of the kitchen and join us, your food is spoiling and your wife left.” I’ll laugh and stay put, playing it cool as I hide my very specific, undiagnosed form of agoraphobia. “Okay, fine, stay there,” they’ll say as they leave for the night, arms full of my valuables. I love to entertain.

I really can’t overstate how important this is to me. Remember when I said, “I’d love to be able to see the kids playing while I’m in the kitchen”? When I whispered it into your ear when you weren’t looking? Or when I screamed it into that mirror a minute ago? Well, that’s because when I had an enclosed kitchen, I lost dozens of kids (some of them weren’t even mine!), and I’ve never forgiven walls since.

Let me paint you a picture: Imagine if the living room is separate from the dining room and then both of those are separated even further still from the kitchen? Absolute chaos. What’s to stop you from being in one room and then just completely forgetting the other spaces exist? That’s not a hypothetical question — the answer is walls. Those piece of shit walls. Remember my Aunt Diane? You have no idea who I am, let alone my aunt? Well, I don’t remember her either because 17 years ago, she wandered out of our kitchen and into another room beyond our sightlines.

You know what isn’t an open concept? Luxembourg. Jails. Coincidence? I don’t think so. You know what else isn’t an open concept? My first marriage. Coffins. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I really hope this is getting through to you.

It’s not just the negatives of a more traditional, enclosed layout, there are real benefits to an open-concept space. It provides an airy, spacious feeling, which is important for me. Divided rooms feel suffocating. I simply breathe better when a space is opened up. No walls, no roof, no floor. Opening up a space helps maintain a flow that both works for me and the global trade winds.

The whole open-concept thing is becoming a real trend, too. Literally every one of my exes has told me they “needed space.”

Look, I know what I want. Don’t tell me opening this place up isn’t possible. When I say I want an open kitchen, I don’t want to hear, “This isn’t your house, how did you get in here?” It’s actually pretty unprofessional of you to pretend you’re a frightened homeowner and not a realtor just to get out of showing me another home. Of course I don’t “want trouble”; I want an open-concept kitchen. I don’t know how to make this any clearer.