1. Pensive and Dangerous

While I’m modeling, I often try to appear pensive and dangerous by putting an elbow on a knee and a fist below my chin. Then I think dangerous thoughts, like hooking up with strangers in bed while all four of us hold loaded handguns.

2. Made It to the Top

My publicist/intern, Patience, and I thought that a brand slogan would be necessary as my career starts to heat up. Therefore, we came up with the slogan “Start Walking.” So you see, in this photo I made it to the top (of a mountain peak) because I Started Walking. I actually woke up three hours before the rest of the people in my camp and Started Walking long before they did. And “TONY” our “TOUR” “GUIDE” probably “DEMANDED” that “NONE” of “US” “HIKED” “AHEAD” of the “OTHERS” in camp. Well, guess what, “TONY.” I don’t “HIKE.” I walk. And so what if I was a little dehydrated and oxygen was scarce at the top of the mountain? That could have been due to lack of water consumption and the altitude. Or my Ecstasy hangover. Hey “TONY,” what can you tell me about the negative side effects of MDMA? Oh, that’s right—nothing. Because I’m at the top of this mountain, and you were still lacing up your Kevlar hiking boots, or something. And so what, “TONY”? So what if it was sort of freezing on the mountaintop and I was wearing Capri pants? So what, “TONY”? I’m better looking than you.

3. The Fox

Let me school you on a little behind-the-scenes industry jargon. When a photographer tells a male model to “make It drip,” that means be really hot. Well, when I sat down1 and cradled that fox in my arms, my photographer informed me that she had started to drip due to equal the dangerousness and sensitivity of the shot. Dripping for a photographer is both a blessing and a curse. The photographer snaps a Hot Undeniably Male Photo (a “HUMP2), but then has to change their undergarments.3 Unfortunately, this photographer was female (a “FEM-PHO4) so both bra and panties were a “must-change” (more industry jargon, self explanatory). When she came back feeling refreshed, I said, “Sorry. And you’re welcome.” We shared a laugh. Like, soft giggles. I guess we chortled together. Then she very seriously told me how hot I have been for the past couple weeks. So then I felt it necessary to apologize for last week’s heat wave.

1 As you gain more experience in modeling as a male, you’ll learn that sometimes you just have to stop walking and instead just sit down.

2 When a photographer says, “Gimme a HUMP and make it drip,” be professional.

3 Tip to any photographer taking my picture: pack a gym bag.

4 Not to be confused with a “FEM-BOT” (a female robot).

4. Bird Watching

For both pictures with the fox I was having some trouble positioning my legs. It happens to the best of us. It will happen to you. That’s when a true M&M (male model) sets up the mise-en-scène. If you’re not an actor or French, that means “setting the scene.” I closed my eyes and mise-en-scèned the shit out of this setting. I thought to myself:

You’re hot. You made it drip on the fourth photo. I bet that’s a record. You’re sitting in the woods. You love that book, Sitting in the Woods by Henry David Thoreau. He had three names. So did Ralph Waldo Emerson. You’re holding a fox. Edgar Allan Poe had three names too. Wow. Those romantics. Yeah. Romance. Think romance. You’re hot. You’re romantic. Maybe you should have three names. Romantic, but dangerous, names. Gunnar Dagger Wray. Yeah.

Just then some kid tapped my knee and said, “Hi. I’m Logan.” I said, “Hi. I’m a male model.” The photographer’s trigger finger was itchy. She was ready to go. Ready to shoot.

Think fast, GDW. I look around. Logan is one of many little children crawling around the shoot. When did this happen? During my altered state of conscious? Little. Little children. Little people. Little sprites. Sprites. Yes, I’m a sprite, wearing goat pants and hoof shoes. I position my legs in goat-pant formation (aka bowed legs crossed at the calves). I pretend the fox is a pan flute. I point up. I point right at Logan’s mom. She’s wearing a muumuu and holding a cane. But I imagine her riding a horse that has flames for a mane. Logan’s mom starts to make it drip. She’s sliding off the saddle. The horse makes it drip, too. Its hooves desperately grasp for traction. Its legs get tangled. They crash.

Click. Photo taken.

Also, it should be noted that male modeling can be mastered with the 3Ps: Position. Prop. Perfection.

In the photo, I’m holding a fox. Not exactly a prop. More like a pet. Sort of.

Position. Pet. Perfection.

As long as all three words start with P, you are golden. You are a destroyer of worlds. You are iconic. You are a Shephard Fairey poster. You are Gunnar Fucking Dagger Wray. You are getting ahead of yourself. You’re not me. Never will be. And I just added a fourth name.