How do you make the funny cowboy dance stop?
The funny cowboy dance starts on its own and ends on its own. Any attempt to stop it will make it last longer.

Would the funny cowboy dance be funnier if you wore an oversized cowboy hat, or a very tiny cowboy hat?
Don’t be ridiculous.

What are you chewing when you do the dance?
Chewing?! I’m not chewing anything. That’s what my mouth does when I do the dance.

Does it ever change? It looks the same every time you do it.
It only looks the same to the untrained eye, or to the idiot.

What does it mean?
My funny cowboy dance doesn’t “mean” anything. It simply “is.” It can entertain, yes, but its main purpose is to make you question some of your long-held beliefs. The dance is also meant as a tribute to the men who built this country, the dancing cowboys.

Isn’t the pretending-to-gallop-cross-eyed-while-firing-a-six-gun-in-the-air basically the same as the pretending-to-gallop-cross-eyed-while-twirling-a-lasso?
To the untrained eye, or to the idiot.

They say that when young children see you do your funny cowboy dance, they cry.
They cry with laughter!

Your friend Don said you got up and did your funny cowboy dance at his mother’s funeral.
I was trying to cheer people up, but Don’s family is so weird.

Do you ever get paid to do the dance?
My main reward is the look of astonishment on people’s faces.

What was the response the first time you did the dance for a group of people?
When I finished, I was exhausted, out of breath. There was dead silence. Then one person started clapping. Then another, then another. That was it, three people clapping. But that was enough to make me dedicate my life to cowboy dancing.

Is the funny cowboy dance a metaphor for something?

Have you ever thought of franchising the funny cowboy dance?

What’s the biggest mistake an aspiring funny cowboy dancer can make?
Trying too hard. Yelling “Yee-haw!” too many times or doing the whole dance with your eyes crossed. Things like that.

Why don’t you wear spurs?
Why don’t you shut up?

Wasn’t there a dirty version of the funny cowboy dance?
There was a time when I was down on my luck. I had three cats to feed. I’m not ashamed of what I had to do.

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Jack Handey’s latest book is My Funny Cowboy Dance.