This letter is to inform you that your cloud castle is in gross violation of the rules of this Homeowners’ Association (HOA). Please note the following infractions:
- There is a castle on a cloud. Frankly, we do not understand what is holding it up. The people of this community should not have to live in fear of a ten-thousand-ton castle dropping on their heads.
- There aren’t any floors for you to sweep. A floorless cloud structure, however poignant, is a blatant safety violation, especially considering you like to go there in your sleep.
- There is a room that’s full of toys, and there are a hundred boys and girls. You are clearly operating an unlicensed daycare. While the children are well-behaved—nobody shouts or talks too loud—this neighborhood does not allow commercial properties, much less a daycare of that size. Drop-off and pick-up are unsettling.
- Your daycare has only one employee, a lullaby-singing lady all in white. While she is nice to see and soft to touch—and we have no doubt she loves you very much—that is not enough staff for an operation of this size. We cannot stress enough the danger of a hundred unsupervised boys and girls cavorting in a floorless cloud structure. It’s a miracle that no one’s lost.
- Your “crying at all is not allowed” policy does not align with modern childcare practices and may well be illegal.
- Your husband Marius and his friends sing the songs of angry men at all hours of the night. It gets to the point where the beating of our hearts echoes the beating of the drums. This has to stop.
- Instead of white picket fencing, Marius has erected barricades of freedom, a style not permitted by our charter.
To be clear:
- The rules of this HOA govern earthbound properties and those that loom above it, as established in HOA v. Aristophanes and HOA v. Calrissian.
- You can hardly claim ignorance of zoning ordinances: your adoptive father was mayor of his town—a strange career choice for a man in hiding, if we’re being honest.
- This HOA believes in gravity.
Javert has been unsuccessful in his attempts to deliver this to you because, as stated, you live on a cloud. We’ve arranged for ghost Gavroche to drop this off on his way to French heaven. At the end of the day, it is about safety. We will give you one day more.
—HOA Board of Trustees