1. Winter scarves. Winter feels like a tropical vacation, despite the snow. You create your own heat, baby.
2. Pads and tampons. You don’t need them. Sure, occasionally you’ll need to stop at Costco, but then suddenly you won’t need any. Give away that big box to someone younger. Until you need more again, but maybe not.
3. Tropical vacations. You’re hot enough in your own home with the windows open and heat off. Thanks, hot flashes.
4. Coffee. You’ll wake up on your own and often without even an alarm clock or fire alarm.
5. Putting money into a retirement account. It is too late anyhow. You did something right: your kids own houses with mother-in-law apartments. You are one lucky mother-in-law.
6. Yoga pant-trousers from fancy mall stores. These large sums of money can go towards finally paying off your college loans. You’re finally getting close.
7. Hammers. Your hormonal rages can really drive a nail home without a single tool.
8. New clothes. Where are you going? Certainly not on a tropical vacation where it is hot. You might migrate to colder climates during the spring, summer, fall, and winter.
9. Contact lenses. Your whole body is dry, even your eyes.
10. Desserts. You can get the same calories and hips from a bite of an apple.
(Oops. Are you sick? Coughing? Sneezing? Bring out those pads for leaks. You’re not 100% dry after all.)
11. Medicine. It is not affordable, so just GoFundMe.
Remember: A good life is lived in the pauses. Mark these menstruation pauses on the calendar. You have almost reached the finish line.