9:00 A.M. Rants pejoratively to bagel guy on 14th Street about George Will. Implies sexual tension between Will and Kristol as reason for the latter’s departure from This Week. Fellow customers think they recognize imposter as someone of ostensible importance, but cannot place face.

9:27 A.M. Swipes New York Times from newsstand but later returns it out of guilt.

9:45 A.M. Catches the last segment of Martha Stewart Living on TV. Calls imaginary agent to book spot on show. Threatens to trash her new book on News Hour if not given top billing.

10:00 A.M. Goes to K-Mart to purchase pots and ribbon.

1:00 P.M. Crank-calls George Stephanopoulos from East Village bakery. Mocks rival pundit’s height, although secretly jealous of boy-commentator’s hair.

1:23 P.M. Visits Keihl’s on Second Avenue to purchase skin products. Remarks to sales clerk in white coat that studio lights are taking a toll on his skin’s elasticity.

1:43 P.M. Goes next door to buy candles from New Age store. Asks for store credit, but denied. Later remarks to friends that store clerk has impugned his reputation.

5:00 P.M. Mistakenly stops into low-rent gay bar on 12th Street for an early cocktail. Sits in corner and pretends to read The Economist.

8:00 P.M. Stumbles into Barnes and Noble on Astor Place and starts autographing copies of U.S. News & World Report. Manager alerts security.

8:19 P.M. Escorted from Barnes and Noble. Vows to withhold distribution of forthcoming book to store.