Art thou looking to impress thy lover? Hast thou reached the stage of thy relationship where thou desire to take things to the upper floor? Or dost thou simply think if thy paramour set her eyes on thy manhood, she will verily dote on thou forever, even if this is entirely unsolicited? Even Gloriana herself enjoyeth a portrait of a dick, for though she may have the heart and stomach of a king, she has the lady parts of a lady.

Chooseth Thy Portrait Type

Here at Bedchamber Portraits you can sit for a full dick portrait, a half dick portrait, or a “just the tip.” We recommend the full dick portrait so that thy lady might truly pickest up what thou layest down. You may sit for thy portrait in our special studio chamber where soft light through yonder window breaks, flattering thy dick. Worry not, Bedchamber Portraiture has made all the furniture slightly smaller than normal, so thy member may seem bigger. All penises are painted in accordance with the Golden Ratio, to create the perfect masturbatory aesthetic.

Chooseth Thine Accessories

In thy portrait thou might profess to thy lady who thou art, for we are all more than just our large and manly phalluses. If law is thy profession, why not adorn thy dick with a tiny barrister’s wig? If thou art skilled in the art of fencing, why not drape thy dick over a gauntlet. Ladies love armoured gloves, and it will put her in mind of “throw down.” You know, as you do with a gauntlet before a duel.

Optional Miscellanea

If thou truly want to impress thy lady and save for posterity thy Impressive Old Chap, we can include thy family’s crest and motto in the portrait. Some good fellows choose to sauce up the motto. For example, Cogito ergo cum, (“I think, therefore I cum”) or Dieu et ma droite branlant furieusement (“God and my right furiously jerking off; this is the motto of the royal bedchamber”).

The artist can also include a memento mori in the background, such as the skeleton of a dead cockerel, to remind thou lady of the fleeting nature of erections. Carpe Dickem! (“Seize the dicks!”)

Next to thy dick, we oft paint a still life — like a comely bowl of fruits. Grapes are the symbols of Bacchus showing her that you are fun, light-hearted, and enjoy quaffing ale! Pomegranates show her that you desire something more serious: marriage and an heir. A bowl of aubergines represents your erection. And it is painted right next to your erection giving thou truly the biggest dick energy.

In a similar throbbing vein, if thou would like to highlight thy wealth, a couple of extremely blue veins can be painted in, for lapis lazuli is the most expensive colour. This will highlight the nobility of your boner, gentle sir. You could also, of course, wrap it in a tiny ermine. This will also serve to keep it warm.

Our Artists

Prithee, thou dost not want to come across too strong, therefore one of our skillful artists shall paint thy Johnson with an ambiguous expression. As with the Mona Lisa, for centuries ladies will stare into the eye of thy nob and wonder if he is smiling at them. In addition, we have specialist artists to render accurately the folds and drapes of thy scrotal sack.

Visit Us

If thou would like to commission a fine dick portrait please visit us here at Bedchamber Portraits, 69 Lovers Lane.


Our Virgin Queen Elizabeth has given us her royal seal of approval, which — we must stress for legal reasons — has not been broken.