1. I know the title

It’s War and Peace. What kind of person would know the title of a book they haven’t read? I’ll take a glass of red, thanks.

2. I know what it’s all about

Well, for sure there’s a huge section that’s just all about the war. The rest is obviously about the time after that. The peace part. That’s my favorite part. Are those mini quiches?

3. I even know which war

Um, wow, this is embarrassing for you. I can’t believe you don’t know which war War and Peace warred about. You should keep that to yourself, Diane, kinda sounds like you didn’t get it.

4. Yes, I know who wrote it

Puh-lease, that’s too easy. In fact, we should all answer together just for fun. One, two…

—olstoy! See?

Good job everyone. Some of you know almost as much about — is there a wine shortage, Diane, or can I get a refill already? — about this wonderful and classic novel as I do.

5. Of course I know all the main characters, sheez

Wow, Dave, what is this, the part in War and Peace where all the characters gang up on another character and ask her or him a whole bunch of questions? Is that where we are, Dave?

6. Duh, I get all the central themes

OKAY MICHELLE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I DON’T RESPOND WELL WHEN PEOPLE YELL AT ME. I now reject your assertion that I haven’t read this intellectual masterpiece on the grounds of rudeness. This isn’t very “Peace” from War and Peace of you. Dave, can you pass the mini quiches?

7. I am able to answer any and all probing questions

Okay, what kind of inquisition is this?? I thought we were all here for a free exchange of highbrow, smart, and sophisticated conversation about the kind of book only a monster would lie about.

8. Yes, I have a favorite quote

Easy. Let me just do a little flippity-flip through these pages… ah yes, here it is: “This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental.” I think that best encapsulates the spirit of this intellectual heavyweight of a novel, don’t you?

Sorry, club soda should get that right out.

9. I have detailed thoughts about character arcs

Y’know, I’m not exactly feeling a whole lot of support right now. In fact, I feel judged by this group when we all agreed to not make anyone feel bad about their opinions. I certainly don’t appreciate the implication that I couldn’t get through the first three pages and then legitimately forgot about it and got sucked into season two of Making a Murderer.

10. I can defend my well thought-out theories


DAVE… the quiches.

11. It’s not at all like last time

How is this ANYTHING like when we read Anna Karenina, Karen?! I vividly remember giving insight into the “Karenina” of it all.


I’m getting the distinct vibe that no one here really knows this book in the intimate way that I do and are therefore jealous. I am seriously THIS CLOSE to gouging my own eyes out with one of Diane’s stupid homemade candles. No offense, Diane.


Okay, so now I’M the bad guy because I didn’t pretend this thing smells like an autumn breeze??

I’ve decided I will leave and come back next week when hopefully cooler heads will prevail. I hope you all are ready to discuss East of Eden, a self-help book filled with great directions for life and love, which I have read multiple times.

The quiches are a bit dry.