I want to see more videos of dogs doing things humans can do, like playing basketball or poker or riding bicycles. I want to see dogs downhill skiing, cross-country skiing, ice skating, snowshoeing, bobsledding—any winter sport will do—dogs playing lacrosse, baseball, jai alai, dogs playing the trombone, bassoon, tuba, Celtic harp, sitar, tabla, harmonium, dogs playing the accordion, dogs playing Scrabble, Boggle and other word games, dogs playing role-playing games, dogs playing hopscotch. Dogs skateboarding. Dogs talking.
I want to see dogs wearing crisp uniforms on the first day of school, dogs sitting at little dog desks, dogs gluing together paper pilgrim hats, dogs practicing math problems on educational software or, for a more old-timey feel, sitting in a one-room schoolhouse and writing letters on black slates. I want to see dogs packing Conestoga wagons and setting out west, dogs homesteading, dogs committing atrocities, dogs realizing that atrocities have been committed and taking precautions to ensure that the same atrocities are not committed again. Dogs drafting the Magna Carta. Dogs developing a new, more advanced optical disk storage media format.
I want to see dogs paying their bills, filing their taxes, reorganizing their shelves so as to avoid some other, more unpleasant task. Dogs chatting over cubicle partitions, dogs chatting over coffee, dogs deleting emails, dogs sending emails, dogs cleaning their laptop screens so as to avoid some other, more unpleasant task. Dogs cleaning their toilets, bathtubs, clothes, rugs. Dogs cleaning their ears.
Dogs wondering if their intestines are host to an exotic parasite. Dogs making serious decisions regarding the education of their children. Dogs dismayed at the state of customer service in this day and age. Dogs discussing politics with those they know will agree with them. Dogs emailing ill-advised and mildly offensive political rants to large portions of their address books. Dogs learning to play Parcheesi.
I want to see videos of dogs reading The Brothers Karamazov, dogs reading Great Expectations, dogs reading Beowulf, dogs reading Swann’s Way and then declaring they are going to read In Search of Lost Time in its entirety, and going to the bookstore that very afternoon to purchase n the Shadow of Young Girls in Flower, and then setting it on the shelf and never opening it again. Dogs reading memoirs about drug addiction, dogs telling their friends that they like reading memoirs about drug addiction because they’re just so real, you know? Dogs telling their friends that they like books that involve horses in some way, dogs telling their friends that they don’t like books that are too sad, dogs telling their friends that they don’t read books, not really, anymore. Dogs reading newspapers.
Dogs eating filet mignon with napkins tucked into their collars. Dogs eating hot dogs, dogs eating bacon, prosciutto, ham, dogs eating watermelons, cheddar cheese, sausages, nachos, grapefruit, cereal, coconuts, dates. Dogs drinking Mai Tais, dogs drinking scotch, dogs drinking lemonade, iced tea, iced tea mixed with lemonade, lemonade mixed with some sort of sweeter fruit such as strawberries or mangos. Dogs ordering hamburgers with the mayo on the side. Dogs ordering for their dates.
Dogs arraying spreads of gorgonzola and chèvre on their coffee tables and asking themselves, “What if no one comes?” Dogs asking themselves, “What if he doesn’t come?” Dogs asking themselves, “What if he’s the first to arrive?” Dogs asking themselves, “What will we talk about?” Dogs asking themselves, “Will he think I look older?” I want to see dogs asking ex-lovers to believe it will be different this time, dogs in seedy motel rooms, dogs trying to decide which lingerie ensemble to wear for their seedy rendezvous.
I want to see dogs in high-speed automobile chases, dogs in political suspense thrillers. I want to see dogs learning Photoshop so that they can piece together pictures of humans with hilarious captions. I want to see dogs creating videos of humans doing everything dogs can do.