To: Alabama English Department Listserv
From: Commissioner Oliu
Subject: UAEDFL Throwback Weekend
Good kind supporters of the University of Alabama English Department Football League (UAEDFL),
Imagine the UAEDFL as a building. Not just any ol’ building, like one might find here in the Tuscaloosa/Northport Greater Metropolitan area − oh no! A building much more buildingesque, like a mosque or a Showbiz Pizza or a Grain Silo, or a temple constructed to worship Zephyrus. What does one need to construct a building aside from cheap foreign labor and cans of Hormel Chili?
Yes, that’s right, cornerstones!
Well, the cornerstone of the UAEDFL is a delicious and gorgeous Makrana and Carrara marble blend with a blinding creamy sheen called TRADITION! Oh yes, other architectural fundamentals (shout-out to Edward Oliu, Professional Engineer − holler back, Dad!) are, in fact, fundamentals, certainly, but they are no match for TRADITION!, which is the most important thing that we must keep in mind as we live our day-to-day lives! Never ask “How can I do something better?” That will just leave you confused and attempting to appease everyone by trying to make the world a better place! No, silly! Just call upon TRADITION! and do it the same way it’s been done for billions of years! Look how much better off we are now! I mean, we aren’t currently being chased out of our homes by the Red Coats, Communists or Velociraptors, are we? Why? TRADITION!
And thus, to honor our time-honored TRADITION! the UAEDFL is proud to introduce:
UAEDFL THROWBACK SATURDAY!
Come celebrate the UAEDFL’s storied history THIS SATURDAY AT 10:30AM AT THE 15TH STREET/QUEEN CITY PARK and get all funky and retroactive with us! Plans include:
Teams will wear totally sweet semi-antiquated Mitchell & Ness jerseys honoring the 1948 UAEDFL Team (which included UAEDFL Hall-Of-Fame WR Harper ‘The Harpy’ Lee) which will be available for purchase at UAEDFLteamshop.com for $249.99 immediately following the conclusion of the game.
At the Third-Water-Break, a pig roast will honor former UAEDFL All-Stars. Former UAEDFL Quarterback Ander Monson will throw a picture perfect spiral (that appears end-over-end and might wind up teleporting fifteen times, but best believe it’ll get there and it’ll be pretty awesome) to former UAEDFL Standout Tony Earley who will catch the ball as if in suspended animation, channeling epiphanies about childhood and the meaning of play − at least until he is flagged down by Defensive Specialist Tom Chiarella, who will kindly take the time to explain to the audience what it feels like to rip someone’s flag from them, what it’s like to be in that person’s shoes, and how he finds it difficult to comprehend how one does this day in and day out. Paul Guest will interrupt the game to question the spot of the ball, as well as spiritual existence and what it means for humans living here as the world comes to a spiritual end, while Amy Benson will point to the orange cone signifying that the ball is well past the marker, comparing it to the concept of unrequited love, the delicate placement of things, how even an inch can make a difference in this crazy game that we play with each other. And Honoree Jeffers will complain that the cones aren’t straight and that the cone on the far-side of the field signifies a first down whereas the one closest is way short, using her astute awareness of place, however, no one will be able to understand what she’s saying.
Relive the MAGIC!
Instead of playing with flags (from Action Sports! $10 dollars now at Target, Wal-Mart, and other fine retailers!), we will play with the tails of foxes, hunted and taxidermied by Carl, the guy that our very own Carl Peterson is often confused for.
Also, if you haven’t been watching the ESPN News ticker with it’s own special ‘Welch’ heading (sandwiched in between TENNIS and WNBA), David Welch comes out of retirement for one game only…a little bit slower, a little bit more cosmopolitan (to be fair, if one leaves a place like…say…Tuscaloosa, and moves to a place like…say…Des Moines, it is an astronomical step-up in avoiding Endemism), but heck, he still has a cannon of an arm and the canon to back it up! He’s like a kid having fun out there!
Let’s turn back the clocks this SATURDAY AT 10:30AM.
The opening notes to “Glory Days,”
− The Commish.