The thing is that I was talking to Lisa, who you don’t know, but who was telling me that Simon Fisher was talking about me in first period chemistry yesterday, and at the time you came into the store, she was just on the verge of telling me something that she preceded with the words “and get this…”, which got my attention peaked, so when you came up to my register it was at the exact moment when the very most vital piece of information was about to be conveyed to me, even though I realize that we are not supposed to be talking on the phone while we are on shift, and that this was a big mistake, and that I did not pay as much attention to you as I should have when you started to talk to me, when you started to say that you wanted to return the personalized “Bless This Home” doormat, which you purchased last week for nineteen dollars and ninety-nine cents as a gift for your wife who, if I have this correctly, has now run off with your neighbor, Vern, or perhaps Clarence, I couldn’t quite catch the name, because you were very emotional when you told it to me, your neighbor who, as you mentioned, is a complete asshole not only for running off with your wife but also for other reasons, such as borrowing two months ago and still not returning your weed wacker, and perhaps stealing your newspaper, although you can’t prove it, and I am sorry that I was so rude as to mention that the odds of your weed wacker being returned at this point are fairly slim, even though it was actually Lisa, who I was talking to on the phone, overhearing our conversation, who said it, and which is, let’s face it, a pretty obvious point to be made, and while I realize that you must be very upset and used some terrible language to describe the whole situation, I don’t think that is a good reason to do what you are doing right now, as I write this, crouched behind my register in an effort to find some cover, and underneath of which I see a copy of the store’s safety manual, in which I don’t think there is anywhere any mention of what is, right now, probably the most important safety rule, which is that if you operate a store that sells both guns and ammunition, you should probably keep both of those items locked in separate places, preferably very far away from one another, and that failing to do so can result in the kind of situation we have now, in which, as far as I can tell, no one has yet been injured, but in which the potential for injury can be seen as very great, during which, it suddenly occurs to me, the kinds of injuries which can be sustained may or may not be covered by our employee health insurance, the premiums for which they just raised, even though they were already ridiculously high to begin with, although I realize that this problem is minor when compared with the obviously devastating circumstances, currently, of your life: the missing wife, the non-return of lawn equipment, your apparent inability to locate appropriate-caliber ammunition for the hunting rifle you have selected, the complete and inexcusable lack of seriousness with which so many employees took your complaints in the first place, nearly all of whom now realize your utter sincerity, and on whose behalf I have been drafted to write you this note, explaining to you how sorry we all are that we did not pay appropriate attention to you in the first place, and that we are now, every single one of us, even Rufus in the stock department who never smiles for anything, prepared to offer you the very best possible customer service ever.
NEW BOOK ALERT
It’s finally here. Our 680-page, three-pound humor anthology, KEEP SCROLLING TILL YOU FEEL SOMETHING: TWENTY-ONE YEARS OF HUMOR FROM McSWEENEY’S INTERNET TENDENCY is now available to order.
April 8, 2010
As little as $1 a month ($12 a year!) goes a long way towards supporting our editorial staff and contributors while keeping us ad-free. Become a McSweeney’s Internet Tendency patron today.