“Our house, in the middle of our street.”
Dear Homeowners: As you may have noticed, our development constructed a new roadway surrounding your home this week. Consequently, your house is currently non-compliant with the neighborhood’s strict “No Road Obstacles” ordinance. You have 14 days to move your house at your own expense.
“Our house, was our castle and our keep.”
It has come to our attention that when you moved your house out of the middle of the street, you rebuilt the structure using limestone blocks reminiscent of a medieval fortress. The HOA permits only brick and vinyl home exteriors. You have 7 days to rebuild your house.
Total fine: $21,750
“Mother’s tired, she needs a rest.”
Your appeal for a deadline extension to rebuild your house has been denied.
Total fine: $21,750
“Our house, it has a crowd.
There’s always something happening
And it’s usually quite loud.”
The 24/7 presence of raucous construction workers on your property disrupts the neighborhood peace. If you wish to host a large gathering, you must first obtain an HOA event permit.
Total fine: $37,408
“Father gets up late for work.”
By not moving your vehicle until 7:30 am, the car registered to your household has repeatedly violated the neighborhood’s street parking guidelines every morning for the past month. Vehicles sitting in the same spot for more than 60 minutes between 6 am – 6 pm on weekdays are ticketed $600/violation.
Total fine: $57,408
“Mother sends the kids to school.”
Parents of unaccompanied minors must pay a roaming fee of $200/child per day.
Total fine: $72,608
“I remember how we’d play”
The HOA recently instituted a new guideline prohibiting playing, cavorting, skipping, romping, sporting, reveling, and general merriment of any kind. This rule will be applied retroactively. $25/violation.
Total fine: $2,914,733
“Simply waste the day away.”
We appreciate your commitment to our rules forbidding pleasure and enjoyment; however, by wasting the day away you have violated the neighborhood’s mandatory waste disposal procedures.
Total fine: $3,672,958
No dreaming. $50/dream.
Total fine: $4,904,108
“I remember way back then.”
By virtue of the neurological similarities between remembering and dreaming, the act of remembering violates our rules prohibiting dreams, thus adding $50/memory to your existing fine, which remains unpaid.
Total fine: $7,048,258
“Our mum, she’s so house-proud.”
Unfortunately for your mum, the HOA has put a lien on your house equal to your current fine. If left unpaid for 30 days, we will pursue foreclosure.
“Our house, something tells you that you’ve got to move away from it.”
This is your final notice regarding the unpaid lien on your house. You have 24 hours to pay the amount in full, or you will be legally evicted.