(GENIUS MAN and CLASSY LADY are receiving top-secret e-mails from the PRESIDENT, when disaster strikes. A strange noise, then the screen turns black.)

GENIUS MAN: It’s Mr. Internet. He’s locked us out of American Online’s Internets … again!

CLASSY LADY: Blast! If we don’t stop him, he’ll soon gain control of the world’s children, while they’re surfing the World Wide Web!

GENIUS MAN: Off to Mr. Internet’s lair, on Microsoft Computer Island! To the GeniusMobile!

CLASSY LADY: The GeniusMobile has been sounding funny. Did you get it checked like I asked?

GENIUS MAN: I was doing our taxes. I’ll get to it this week. (Grabs keys.)

CLASSY LADY: Remember your glasses this time. You almost ran over Sadie Zuckerman last Friday.

GENIUS MAN: That was because it was about to rain and you were talking to me. (Pats his shirt.) Where are those glasses?

CLASSY LADY: Where did you leave them?

GENIUS MAN: If I knew, I wouldn’t be looking for them. Do we have time for a sandwich?

- - -


(GOOD GIRL and SENSITIVE BOY pace anxiously. SENSITIVE BOY looks like he’s lost a little weight.)

SENSITIVE BOY: I’m so worried about Classy Lady and Genius Man.

GOOD GIRL: How many times have you called?

SENSITIVE BOY: (Sheepishly.) Today? Only five times.

GOOD GIRL: Only five times? But it’s almost noon!

SENSITIVE BOY: I know, but I thought …

GOOD GIRL: Well, “you thought” … and now Classy Lady and Genius Man are probably lying in a ditch somewhere, dead.

SENSITIVE BOY: We should get a new crime-fighting cave, one close to the Condo of Justice. Maybe in that fancy new community where Cookie Lipshitz’s son just got himself a very nice crime-fighting cave.

GOOD GIRL: Of course we should. What—we can’t base our superhero business in Florida? Like New Jersey’s so great?

(SENSITIVE BOY’s cellular telephone rings with one of those BlackBerry messages.)

SENSITIVE BOY: It’s one of those BlackBerry messages, from Genius Man.

GOOD GIRL: What’s it say?

SENSITIVE BOY: It says, “Does your Microsoft computer have an Internet, mister?” It’s some kind of code! Jeez, Good Girl, you gotta help me! I’m only a superhero. Genius Man was an accountant!

GOOD GIRL: Eureka! He’s telling us they’re being held by Mr. Internet, on Microsoft Computer Island! I hope he’s feeding them; Classy Lady has low blood sugar!

SENSITIVE BOY: (Inconsolable.) It’s all my fault. I should have called more.

GOOD GIRL: Maybe you’ll call tomorrow … if there is a tomorrow.

- - -


(CLASSY LADY and GENIUS MAN are tied up in ropes. No one has provided lunch. GOOD GIRL and SENSITIVE BOY burst in.)

MR. INTERNET: So … you’ve found my lair on Microsoft Computer Island!

GOOD GIRL: Of course. We went to good colleges. Not Ivy League, but maybe if we had applied ourselves … We certainly had the brains.

SENSITIVE BOY: Now let Classy Lady and Genius Man go!

MR. INTERNET: How dare you speak in an outdoor voice at me! Now I will discombobulate you … forever! Wait—why are you crying?

(CUT TO: SENSITIVE BOY looking at his wallet photos.)

SENSITIVE BOY: (Crying.) These photos … they remind me how beautiful it is when the whole family gets together. God forbid it should be more than once a year.

MR. INTERNET: (Looking at photos, dropping to his knees.) Gorgeous … family … Breaking me down … My emotions … Must resist …

GOOD GIRL: Mr. Internet, did you know the average rainfall in Spain is 25 inches per year?

MR. INTERNET: How could you know that without using the World Almanac? Your intellect is causing my circuits to malfunction.


MR. INTERNET: How did you two get free?

GENIUS MAN: Using superhuman math skills from all my years of being an accountant, I was able to figure out how to untie us.

CLASSY LADY: We’re bringing you to justice, Mr. Internet. Or should I call you … (Removes MR. INTERNET’s mask.) … Saddam Hitler?

MR. INTERNET: Blast! You have defeated me! Can I have my one telephone call?

CLASSY LADY: Is it long-distance?

GENIUS MAN: Don’t worry, we can write it off. Who do you want to call, Saddam?

MR. INTERNET: Two people I should have called a long time ago. My grandparents, Ben and Estelle Hitler.