Q: How many important issues in the news will be sidelined by vanity coverage of the Queen’s passing?

A: All of them. Thanks for your patience.

Q: How much will all this cost British taxpayers?

A: More than you could possibly imagine. There’s even a special train.

Q: Can you review the stages of mourning vis-a-vis attire? I don’t want to move on to a black armband when everybody else is still in muted gray tones, or whatever. And what’s half mourning?

A: The stages of mourning for a monarch are quite easy to remember:

  • Full mourning: Wear all black, play the soundtrack from the Matrix movies continually in your home, and greet your friends with “we’re red pilled now!”
  • Second mourning: Long gray pants, T-shirt in any color that says PROUD SANS-CULOTTES, hum “La Marseillaise” to yourself at work.
  • Ordinary mourning: American flag-patterned dresses for ladies, American flag-patterned bow ties and vests for men, either or both of the above for genderfluid or nonbinary mourners.
  • Half mourning: Flip-flops with Princess Di’s face on them.

Q: Why are people who weren’t subjects of the monarch in mourning?

A: The glorification of unearned privilege is a deep and persistent flaw in the fabric of human society. It knows no national boundaries.

Q: Isn’t it time to abolish the monarchy?

A: Apparently not!

Q: I’ve heard that the new monarch is quite liberal. Is that true?

A: Well, if by “liberal” you mean “liberally spends funds contributed by taxpayers in exchange for an accident of birth,” then yes.

Q: Do all these apparent royalists around me actually believe in the divine right of kings? Because that would be… weird… in the twenty-first century?

A: Your guess is as good as mine.

Q: Should the average citizen be concerned that meeting Liz Truss may be fatal?

A: No, most people who are between the ages of eighteen to sixty-five, not immunocompromised, and up-to-date on their vaccinations have nothing to fear from Liz Truss. Unless they own a British business. Or need to use the NHS. Or have children that go to a British school. Or live in Northern Ireland.

Q: What is happening in Ireland right now, anyway?

A: Not sure, but it looks exciting.

Q: When will the news return to coverage of literally any other topic?

A: After ten days or Vladimir Putin does something we can’t ignore, whichever comes first. Or if Olivia Wilde does anything new we can criticize.