Women of a Certain Age, I’ve got some big news: it’s never too late to keep the body you have right now.
With my easy step-by-step SAME OLD YOU program, you can:
- Fit into the clothes you’ve fit into every day for the last several years
- Learn to outsmart social media algorithms that fill your feeds with attractive people who desperately want you to lose weight
- Ensure that plenty of sugar-rich, low-protein snacks are around your house at all times
- Exercise only when you feel like it, and then not very much
Sound too good to be true? I get it. I was skeptical too. But over the last decade, I’ve participated in rigorous research, traveled the globe, and spoken to thousands of women, leading to an astonishing discovery: you are totally fucking fine the way you are.
I won’t pretend it’s easy to maintain your physique’s average status quo in your forties and fifties, especially when everyone at the office is doing Zumba on Thursdays after work, and your sister just started Noom, and your kids got you a FitBit for your last birthday. It takes hard work to avoid the temptation to recapture the boundless energy and rock-hard abs you didn’t have when you were thirty. But the perks of not changing are 100 percent worth it.
You know that wardrobe you’ve spent your entire adult life assembling? If you follow my plan, it’s not going anywhere. We all know how comforting it is to see a photo of yourself from twenty years ago, thinking the shirt you’re wearing looks familiar, and realizing that’s because you’re wearing that same shirt right now. Kids threw up on that shirt. You spent the night in O’Hare in that shirt. You’ve been breaking in that Chico button-down for decades… God knows you shouldn’t have to give it up now when it’s so worn in you could wad it into the size of a washcloth.
But how to avoid the trap of social media? Follow my program to thwart even the slyest algorithms and keep those cheerfully ripped people out of your news feed. Sneak peek: to dupe the algorithm, you must never type the following words—I call them “The Giveaway Ten”—into a search engine: flab, pre-menopause, sag, menopause, reunion, core, post-menopause, sad, and butt. And under no circumstances should you ever write the phrase “belly fat” in any form (including but not limited to “fat belly,” “belly fatness,” “fattest belly ever,” “Impossibly Fat Belly,” etc.). Not into a search engine, not in an email or Facebook post, not even with a freaking pen on a pale pink Post-it note, because they will hunt you down and they will find you and not rest until you agree to try their Superfood Smoothies.
Worried a handful of protein-rich almonds might tempt you? No problem. Every few days, replace those almonds with a Hershey bar with almonds or an almond croissant. Feel like nibbling on raw vegetables? Fine. But how about a little Heluva Good onion dip to go with that on Wednesdays? By following my plan, any food you think you should eat can be transformed into food you want to eat.
Finally, there is exercise. I know what you’re saying: Kelly walks twelve thousand steps a day, every day, even when it’s raining. You know what I say? Kelly must not like herself very much. If you hit 12K one day, good for you. If the next day you mostly walk from room to room in your house, trying to find your phone and don’t break 3K, also good for you!
You don’t have to be perfect. Want to slip a little exercise into your daily routines? Go ahead, but don’t be consistent about it, and don’t push yourself. Sometimes I do deep knee bends in the kitchen while my high-carb rotini is boiling. Usually, I do twelve unless I feel like stopping at ten, or four.
Listen, you haven’t gotten to be the person you are today by planking, so why start now? Join my program and vow never to change. Fact is, I like you like this. And you should too!