What is freedom?
Freedom is the ability to live as you wish, so long as you do not interfere with the freedom or rights of others.

Who is allowed to be free?
All Americans are allowed to be free.

That sounds good.
All Americans who are men get freedom. Being white also helps. Also, other things.

Sorry, what?
If you belong to a group with a long, disreputable history of taking freedom away from people, you get extra freedom. It’s called “bonus freedom.”

What is “bonus freedom”?
Bonus freedom is where you don’t just get to decide how you live, you also get to decide how other people live.

Can you give an example?
Sure. We’ve decided women aren’t good at making decisions for themselves and their families, so now men get to decide how women ought to live.

Which men, in particular, get to decide?
Supreme Court justices who have sexually harassed or assaulted women get to decide. After all, they already have a history of understanding what women want and need.

Does anyone else get to decide?
Of course. Specifically, people who have allied themselves with a man whom twenty-six women have accused of sexual impropriety or assault.

Why do they get to decide?
They are longtime subscribers to Golf magazine, and that’s just one of the perks. Plus, they know what this is all about: we must do everything to protect children.

We must do everything to protect children.
Absolutely, unless it involves providing them with food, shelter, health care, and a safe environment in which to grow up.

We must do everything to protect children.
Absolutely, and that’s why we’ve spent the last hundred years fighting to allow corporations to pollute our environment and cause injury, illness, and developmental delays in children.

We must do everything to protect children.
Absolutely, unless police don’t quite feel like entering an unlocked door to protect them as they are being killed.

We must do everything to protect children.
Absolutely, and that’s why we have taken no steps to eradicate the culture of abuse perpetrated mainly by men, which causes injury and trauma in children.

We must do everything to protect women.
Absolutely, and that’s—wait, no. No, we don’t.

What are some synonyms for freedom?
“Independence,” “autonomy,” and “shut up, stop crying, and do what you’re told.”

Does wealth affect freedom?
Not really. It just affects what choices you are able to make in every area of life.

What is the basis of freedom?
Freedom is enshrined in our Constitution. The Fourth Amendment protects against unreasonable search and seizure, and the Fifth Amendment says no one can be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process. Those are just two ways that white people’s freedoms are protected.

And other races?
Due process does not apply to them.

The First Amendment is an important one.
I agree. It says that people are free to assemble, and if their assembly is a threat to powerful people who cause harm, you get to spray them with tear gas and drive your car into them.

You said men are allowed to be free. Is that actually true?
Absolutely. All men who conform to strict cultural norms that have been proven to harm their own mental health, emotional health, and overall well-being are allowed to be free.

And what if you don’t conform to those strict cultural norms?
Depending on where you live and whom you spend time with, you’ll be subjected to various levels of ridicule and social pressure until you feel so bad about yourself that you either change, wither away, or flip out at somebody.

How’s that system working for men?
Socially and emotionally? Extremely poorly, thank you.

What’s the best way for private citizens to protect their freedom?
With a gun.

Because if you have a gun, then you can shoot at structural racism and sexism until they leave you alone.

How do you spread freedom to more people?
Use the same strategies as anti-abortion advocates: harassment, intimidation, bald-faced lies, and outright violence, because you belong to a fringe group that knows your ideas are unpopular.

Is it possible to have too much freedom?
Actually, yes. Some people want to be free from fear, but walking into a library or a doctor’s office or a school with the reasonable expectation that you won’t get shot is just too much to ask. So we had to take away freedom from fear.

What are common arguments for and against freedom, say, in the abortion debate?
Point: The right to abortion is foundational to the creation of a reasonable and just society. Its elimination presupposes women have poor judgment about their own lives and enforces their inequality by making their most important decisions the purview of men. The theft of women’s bodily autonomy is the strategy men use to march women into lives they don’t want and didn’t sign up for. Once marched to a place of struggle, they are left to fend for themselves.

Counterpoint: We’ve made life so bad anyway, you’ll hardly notice if it gets worse.

Is freedom increasing or decreasing?
It is increasing so much it’s decreasing—for everyone, including you.