Q: I was wondering: how much of a shit do women give about what conservative old white dudes say about them?
A: Thanks for contacting us. We have checked our inventory thoroughly and we no longer have any shits left to give. We only had a small amount of shits left at the end of last year, and now we’ve found that the most recent news cycles have completely emptied us out.
Q: Okay, but a big part of our brand is based on you caring about what conservative old white dudes think.
A: We’re aware, and we apologize. Our shit-giving model has irrevocably changed into a non-shit-giving structure. We’re updating our website.
Q: Would you maybe accept money for a shit, instead of giving one?
A: We do apologize, but if you are a conservative old white man, we have no shits of any kind left to give, sell, or barter.
Q: I’m 27, though.
A: Thanks for giving us the opportunity to clarify. “Old” in this usage means “out of date,” “out of touch,” or “stuck in some misunderstanding of what 1960 was actually like for most people” so it still applies to you, although you are not chronologically old.
Q: So, if I was, like, a refugee or a transgender person or Tom Hanks, you would have shits to give about me?
A: It’s far more likely.
Q: That’s discrimination! I am oppressed!
A: We understand your logic, but as we’ve said, we no longer give — well, you know. No need to repeat ourselves.
Q: But I was on my college’s debate team! I have a lot of good points to make to you about how women should act, the only topic you will, by default, always be more of an expert on than me!
A: Again, we apologize. If it were possible, we would go back in time and take back the shits any of us gave about you in the past. As we have not yet perfected time travel, all we can do is simply confirm that we do not have any more shits to give about your opinions now.
Q: Wait. How about fucks? Do you have any of those to give?
A: Great question. Alas, none of those, either. To be clear, we give neither a shit nor a fuck about your opinion on our behavior.
Q: This isn’t fair! You don’t care about what I think about you, but it turns out that I care a lot about what you think about my opinion!
A: Yes, it is unfair. But we are untroubled by this. All of the shits are ours now. The fucks too.
Q: Well, what are you going to do with them?
Q: I have some ideas of things I think you ladies could give a shit about! Like vulgarity! And dancing!
A: We bet you do, but we have to say: no fucking thank you.
Q: That’s not very ladylike. I’m leaving.
A: Don’t trip over any of the shits or fucks we’re hoarding here for later use on your way out.