I bet you could use a creative way to increase your income by a mere 10 to 30 percent to get through this inflation-wrecked year. Maybe you need some extra dough for that ever-growing percentage of your finances going toward keeping a roof over your head. Or perhaps you need to buy a dozen eggs. Not to worry. I’ve discovered the secret to scraping through late-stage capitalism: simply take anything that sparks a modicum of joy and turn it into a capitalist enterprise. Because nothing says bootstraps like turning something you love into twelve dollars before taxes.

Say, for example, you like to unwind with a craft—maybe you knit while watching your brother’s Netflix account? Great! Let’s get your Etsy shop up and running and start you producing macramé plant hangers or crocheted snoods on a level that will net you forty bucks a month and also debilitating carpal tunnel syndrome.

While you’re at it, get yourself a Medium account and hustle for enough followers to pay you a couple cents for your thoughts on, I dunno, Pilates, or train travel, or beagle breeding.

Beagles are your thing, right? No? But you do have a pet? A tortoise? Hmm. Could you… sell baby tortoises? Or maybe film it riding a skateboard? While eating chips? That might be worth something in YouTube partner views. Even a measly hundred thousand hits would help support your hand-to-mouth lifestyle and maybe even expand your menagerie to include more marketable animal companions. Have you thought about a mini-horse? Because we’re living in a golden age where we can exploit anything, including the love of a fellow creature, for profit.

Speaking of profit, let’s NFT those baby pics. Either photos of you as a baby or photos of your own kids. You can explain how you sold their privacy to pay for braces when they’re grown up. They’ll understand. Not to mention, you’ll give them fodder for their self-published memoirs or sponsored posts on Instagram. Build that intergenerational wealth!

By the way, why aren’t you putting Amazon affiliate links in texts to your family, co-workers, and high school friend group? Transform yourself into a human marketing beacon, driving people toward those sweet, sweet Amazon purchases. Your work will pay you enough to occasionally drink a coffee outside your house and send billionaires to space, so it’s practically philanthropy.

Speaking of your house, side hustles from home are passé. The newest thing is side hustling your home itself. Rent out your bed by the hour to another poor gig worker who can’t afford their own. This updated, bespoke take on a classic flophouse is disrupting the whole housing industry. In fact, it will probably disrupt your personal life! But it’s not like you’ll be sleeping much, not with all these lucrative side grinds that make your days (and nights!) so full and satisfying.

If you should happen to lose your job after all those marketing texts to co-workers or because you’re unable to sleep, function, or get to work on time while running an Old West-style bunkhouse, no problem. Because in the gig economy, why have one job with insurance and a pension when you can have fifty-nine that give you neither?

Think you don’t have any monetizable skills? Think again. I bet you’re sitting there quietly producing thousands of blood cells, both red and white. Why shouldn’t you be compensated? Let’s get you signed up to sell your fluids.

Okay, I have just a few more moments to spitball here. Don’t worry, I’ll come up with something good.

Start a jitney service for people who’ve destroyed their cars driving for ride-shares.

How about a podcast? Never mind, only an idiot would think that was a money-spinner.

You wear underwear, right? There’s a HUGE market for your used unmentionables, just be sure to meet your clients in a well-lit area. It’ll probably be fine.

Or do what I do! Help other people monetize their lives… and monetize that.

Keep an eye out for my Venmo request. This service costs fourteen dollars, but if you want a second round of ideas, it’s only five bucks. I’m not sure when I’ll get to it; I’m just so busy winning at free enterprise. Follow me on Medium, Insta, Airbnb, Vrbo, BuyMyPlsma, Etsy, Poshmark, FB Marketplace, TakeMyOrgnsCheap, Fiverr, Upwork, ThredUp, RntMySoul, PlatonicBedShare, and OnlyFans.