Art by Matt Smith

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So what would happen when an ancient fuckin’ viking behrsehrkah would go behrsehrk is he’d fuckin’ go behrsehrk! N’ in ohrdah tah go behrsehrk he’d wohrk himself up intah a huge fuckin’ rage. Maybe he’d even bite down on his shield a little if he had one n’, yah know, fuckin’ chew on it some. N’ he’d be all foamin’ at the mouth n’ shit, n’ then he’d go n’ he’d completely fuckin’ blow a gasket n’ he’d go on a goddamned rampage n’ then he’d eventually crash if he didn’t fuckin’ die in the battle, n’ then he’d have tah go n’ rest n’ build his strength back up so as tah be able tah do it all ovah r’gain next time.

N’ so that’s how behrsehrkahs went behrsehrk—supposedly—n’ truth be told, it’s a pretty good thing we don’t actually have any real behrsehrkahs left anymohr, even if we do got way too many violent fuckin’ psychos out there since idiocy is a huge, fuckin’ integral paht of the human race aftah r’all, sadly. But the real behrsehrkahs, even if we kindah sohrtah know what they did, it’s still kindah like, well, who the fuck were these fuckin’ guys?

So behrsehrkahs could’ah been guys who dressed up like fuckin’ bears. That’d have been pretty fuckin’ sweet at Bruins games actually fah r’all the obvious reasons. Or they could’ah been guys that didn’t wear any shihrts at all, which would’ah been useful at Gillette. Paint a wild fuckin’ colonial on their chests or maybe spell out P-A-T-S if you got at least four guys n’ they’d be good to go. But the sad fact is, they might’ah actually been completely buck-ass naked instead. N’ that sohrt’ah deviant behaviah needs tah stay way the hell out on the West Coast where it fuckin’ belongs!

N’ while we’re on the topic’ah the West Coast, it could’ah been that the behrsehrkahs tripped out hahrdah r’en Jefferson Airplane on psychadelic mushrooms n’ wee’id fuckin’ plants n’ shit, too. So yah know, maybe all the hippies would’ah thought the behrsehrkahs were wicked cool, right? ’Cept that goin’ behrsehrk was really all ’bout extreme violence n’ killin’ as many people as fuckin’ possible, so I’m not enti’ahly convinced their mission would’ah meshed well with the hippies’ wohrld view’ah peace n’ flowahs n’ drum circles ah whatevah. Plus, with the behrsehrkahs, the heavy, mind-altahrin’ drug use isn’t actually proven. It’s all just a bunch’ah unconfihrmed ahcheaological gossip, which natur’ly means it got all sohrts’ah sensationalized news cov’rage a few yee’ahs ago.

Thing is, not a lot is really, truly known ’bout these guys. Maybe they were, like, fuckin’ shock troops or somethin’. Could be. I mean, that’d fuckin’ stop yah in your footsteps if yah saw some crazy fuckin’ fightah, foamin’ at the mouth n’ howlin’ like a wild fuckin’ animal, completely fuckin’ naked n’ danglin’ his goddamned ding-dong at yah as he chahged at yah with a fuckin’ ax covah’d in blood n’ go’ah. Ah maybe he would’ah had a bearskin cape on. Who knows? Eithah way, it’d be mem’rable, that’s fahr fuckin’ sure.

On the othah’hand, accohrdin’ tah the Icelandic Sagas anyway, the behrsehrkahs were usually just a bunch’ah fuckin’ dickheads. They were total thugs—like, really evil n’ disrespectful towahrds women n’ shit, n’ usually the noble hero would have tah ovahcome ’em somehow. But some’ah the behrsehrkahs were ok guys, too, like this one guy, Bodvar Bjarki, who was related tah Beowulf somehow. He would just go intah a fuckin’ trance n’ then he’d send out his spirit as a fuckin’ flesh n’ blood bear ontah the battlefield! N’ then this corporeal bear spirit thing would kill evuhryone in sight so long as Bodvar remained undistuhrbed in his supah special bear-killin’-spree trance.

There probably weren’t any women behrsehrkahs since, yah know, that’s life.

But there were ulfhednah, which were like behrsehrkahs but less famous since their fav’rite animal was a wolf n’ not a bear, n’ wolves just ahren’t as scahry as bears. N’ there might’ah even been pig-wahrriahs too! Yah know, since wild pigs ahr supah fuckin’ fehrocious n’ ahr wicked good at gorin’ people tah death, which was somethin’ that these ancient Nohrdic societies really fuckin’ valued a lot.