So you clicked on this link for a 30-minute Sesame Pork Milanese recipe, and you have the audacity to think that you can do this in 30 minutes? Who do you think you are, Alain Ducasse? Buckle up and strap yourself in, because there’s no way you’re going to finish this recipe in time for your rec league softball game. Caught up in this preamble? GOOD! Because we’ve already started the clock and you’re way behind schedule!
Ingredients: The directions below are a word search. Use your eyes, the two gooey balls in the middle of your face, and find them yourself!
1. Start with the pork chops. If they’re frozen and you didn’t have the foresight to set them out to thaw this morning, you’re done. Ring, ring! The Angus & Grits Hungry-Man frozen dinner in the freezer is calling and it wants to know when it should be ready for dinner!
2. Use your little weenie arms to pound the chops with a meat mallet. Don’t have a meat mallet, uncultured swine? Looks like someone didn’t review the directions ahead of time. Instead, substitute a skillet or your thick idiot skull.
3. Season the meat with salt and pepper. We’re not talking about your grocery store’s salt and pepper. We’re talking Black Hawaiian sea salt and Vatican-blessed peppercorn. Those just happen to be lying around in your spice cabinet, right?!
4. On a bunsen burner (you heard us right, a bunsen burner), put two large FARM FRESH (5 minutes out of a chicken’s ass or bust) eggs in an Erlenmeyer flask and use a magnetic stirrer to whisk them until the liquid is 23.45% aerated. And no, 23.44% aeration actually isn’t good enough!
5. Add ½ teaspoon of homemade sesame oil. Whoops, we forgot to mention that, unless you’re a completely incompetent simpleton, you should have made this a minimum of six months ago.
6. Put the egg and sesame oil mixture into a dish. Put flour in a second dish. All out of the clean dishes? TOO BAD! We need a third one for the Panko (and by Panko, we mean, bread crumbs from the bottom of Dominique Ansel’s oven). Dig into your greasy dishwasher and pull out the dish least covered in rotting slop. Wash with soap, heard of it? Dry the dish and add Panko already!
7. Coat each pork chop in the contents of the three dishes. We’d love to tell you the correct order to do this in, but we’re rooting for you to fail so…
8. Heat up ½ cup vegetable oil in a large skillet over medium heat until it’s very hot. You can check to see if it’s hot enough by testing some breadcrumbs or placing your finger on the pan. Jesus Christ, did you actually just touch a boiling hot pan, you flaming neanderthal?!
9. Run your big dumb finger under cold water and nurse your self-induced third-degree burns. Ring, ring! It’s Hungry-Man Angus & Grits again and it still wants to know when you’ll be ready for dinner.
10. Your burnt skin should be swelling nicely with little to no pain due to your deep-fried nerve endings. Leave those raw pork chops to spoil on the counter, hop in your car, and drive to Urgent Care. Make sure you take the expressway north, since there will be less traffic at this time of day, and YOU ONLY HAVE 11 MINUTES LEFT ON THE CLOCK!!!
11. Plop your two buns down in a seat and wait for your name to be called by the nice nurse lady. In the meantime, question what gave you the gall to believe that you could make a delectable Sesame Pork-Milanese in any time under six hours. Hell, even six hours may not be enough for you! Here’s a thought: attend Le Cordon Bleu for four years, then practice this recipe exclusively for another five years, and then maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to pull this off. If you’re not willing to make that kind of sacrifice, casually cooking a quick and delicious meal is not for you.
12. Sit for the doctor as they remove the dead skin and tissue from your overcooked appendage. Slather on antibiotic cream liberally. No, not that liberally, dummy!
13. Use a time machine, time turner, wormhole, or whatever other time-traveling device you have lying around to go back in time and skip this recipe. It’s clearly too complicated for your itty bitty little brain.
14. Put Hungry-Man Angus & Grits in the microwave for three minutes, then let cool for two minutes before eating. Bon appetit, loser!