The ellipses are unpopular because they don’t finish what they start and are socially below the period, though less lonely.

Semicolons are well-spoken and stuck in the nineties: snap bracelets, side-ponytails, and the habit of cutting in and drawing attention to themselves, often unnecessarily. Friends with many, enemy to the too-modern colon. A+ students.

The hashtags skipped two grades and no one understands why. They’re actually intolerable. Right now they’re probably live-tweeting that fight between the comma and the period over near the monkeybars. Often in trouble. Very trendy.

Colons are typically conflict mediators, known for being level-headed. They tend to be good at separating two thoughts before they get into arguments over kickball. Sworn enemy of the semicolon after a particularly embarrassing game of tag.

The brackets are very competitive, typically tournament-prone jocks.

Asterisks, accustomed to levitating above letters, are usually picked first in team sports. They tend to correct others’ misspellings and have earned a reputation as smart but lazy.

The em dashes have been held back because they’re easily confused with their hated, related hyphens, who try to get by in English class hiding between words.

Parentheses are very mature and spend recesses planning both for parenthood and their graduate theses.

The apostrophes are easily caught up between things and tend to exclude others. In fact, they make a point to.

Question marks are very shy and curl around thoughts, confusing them. They are fond of raised hands, texting during pop quizzes, and lifting inflection at the ends of sentences.