Fuel up on caffeine stored in one of our mammoth-sized tumblers, and your road trip might never end. That’s a winter’s supply of coffee under one lid. That’s having to stop at every rest area, 7-Eleven, Wawa, Sheetz, or abandoned parking lot on your way to the nearest national park or wherever the hell you’re going. Just purchase one of our tumbler-catheter combo packs for the average price most people spend on health care in a year.
The wild is out there, but our legendary hard coolers are designed to fit the wilderness inside them. You could preserve what’s left of the last Ice Age. You could use our timber tumblers as pots to grow sequoias. But we don’t advise doing so because we don’t think people are ready to have that talk yet. Most people still think tumblers are for sipping drinks, but we’re telling you to sip the Milky Way.
Do we make anything bigger than a tumbler that can sustain the root system of a giant redwood tree? We make a hard cooler that’s absolutely indestructible.
Many coolers can hold up to fifty cans of beer, and you could go on that sort of camping trip. But we didn’t design these stainless-steel beauties for you to shotgun Coors Light in a parking lot. You’re not in college anymore. Your friends aren’t in college anymore. Leveling up includes having a Paul Bunyan-sized thirst to quench. You need to be storing giant squids and Loch Ness monsters, which is why we combined an iconic look with new tech. You can now hold up to 20,000 leagues of underwater ocean in our coolers. Reflect on that. Reflect on holding an entire loch in the palm of your hand. What would that be like?
Some companies engineer their coolers to performance levels. We over-engineer, so there are no levels. How do we build our products? It all started in a dream where James Earl Jones said, “If you make it, they will buy it.”
We don’t want to sound overconfident, but our products are out of this world. You could go to outer space in any one of them except for our soft cooler, which could still be used as a parachute when re-entering the atmosphere. That’s how Bezos and Branson did it.
But here’s what you really need to know. If you’re into the science of it, we did a Vibranium-Uru-Adamantium-Beskar blend that you just can’t find anywhere else. That means we traveled into Wakanda and put a one-million-year-old meteorite to work keeping your coffee hot as magma. That means we hired a bunch of real scientists to hand over a classified government secret. That means we dug up the moon so no one could hex your favorite drink when you leave it unattended while taking a selfie in your backyard. That means you could wear our thirty-ounce tumblers as armor the next time you happen to be legally bounty hunting.
Not sure how our tumblers will fit in your car’s perfectly normal-sized cup holders? Then get a bigger cup holder. A cup holder that can’t hold the future just isn’t going to cut it anymore, not tomorrow, not today, not even yesterday.
How do you clean our products? Does NASA clean its space shuttles? Sure, but not in a dishwasher. Not into washing by hand? Just think of it as your next great Laura Ingalls-sized adventure in the Big Kitchen Sink.
One day our cities will all be made from YETI alloys. Just picture what that might be like. No foreign dictators. No fear of atomic energy. No need to wear masks. Just happiness stored inside a YETI at the perfect temperature for storing happiness.
Bigfoot is out there, and he’s sipping cool water from some babbling brook just over the next ridge. He’s also never seen a YETI. You could be the one to unite them. You could be the missing link, and that’s why all our lids use never-before-seen magnet technology. It clicks into place and never leaks, so you can be wild without worrying about spilling. Bigfoot could never.