1. The first step to speaking Your Truth is to really want Your Truth — your raw, pulsing, bona fide truth that has been trapped inside the clam of your body for too long! Let her out, baby! Hunger for Your Truth. Masturbate to Your Truth. Consider this multistep plan an imaginary couples retreat on a luxury Catamaran guaranteed to forever change your relationship with Your Truth or your money back. Imagine yourself on a tandem bicycle with Your Truth at sunrise, with no particular destination in mind, because it doesn’t matter, as long as you are with Your Truth. Dream of yourself sharing ChapStick and drawing circles on Your Truth’s skin because you are that fucking intimate with Your Truth. Soon you will be popping Your Truth’s pimple before it even knows it is there because you just get each other, that’s all

2. OK, this luxury Catamaran to destination Speak Your Truth is gliding full speed ahead! Now it’s time for step two of this plan: cut out all the fat of your life (non-truth) to find Your Truth. First, quit your job immediately with no backup plan because you deserve a self-made maternity leave to divinely gestate Your Truth. Then divorce (or murder if more convenient) your husband and the definitely inauthentic life you built together for Your Truth. Next forget to call your mother in law on her birthday but then remember it doesn’t matter because you just divorced/murderer your husband for Your Truth. (See now things are clicking into place, which means you are on the path of Truth.) You’re almost speaking Your Truth! Burn down your house (of lies) because Your Truth knows your needs more than you do and move back in with your parents. (If you’ve reached this step, you’re doing really well!) Develop amnesia for the life you lived before Your Truth came along and be grateful for it. Trust me when I say that you will be so much happier after this. Soon you will be vibrating at a frequency that only dogs can see.

3. Do you hear that, TruthBoat? It’s the truth knocking. Open the door. Hold it. Put Your Truth in your mouth. Eat it. Feel it rattle in your throat. Feel it beg to come out. Speak it. Yes, speak it. I said speak it. Did you hear me? LET OUT YOUR RAW, DRIPPING, AUTHENTIC, TRANSLUCENT, TRIPLE FACT-CHECKED TRUTH. You’ve followed this multistep plan to a T and it shows because you are speaking Your Truth. Never will a non-truth escape your lips. Soak in Your Truth! Lavish in her. Make a Himalayan salt scrub with her and gift her to your friends when the moment feels true. Fact-check her a fourth time just for fun. Eat her and vomit her and eat her again in an eternal, authentic loop. (Notice that she uses ‘she’ pronouns now because she is you and you are her.) Every time your lips part, you radiate truth onto beings of lower frequencies (all non-dogs). Soon you will rid yourself of this guide and all your clothes because you are so enrobed in Your Truth. Everywhere you go, people will say, “There goes the woman who speaks her Truth”

4. To celebrate speaking Your Truth, force your mom to take a photo of your naked backside draped in sunlight/truth as you blow a bubble into the misty morning air and caption it #speakingmytruth. This photo isn’t for anyone but you and Your Truth and your 839 Instagram followers, who, unlike you and dogs, are living sad, compromised lives in the shadow of their truths.

5. If thoughts of your late husband ever surface your mind, just suppress them and keep Speaking Your Truth.