I saw on Instagram that this Caroline you worked with in 2014 had a baby. Here are twelve pounds of nipple cream I compounded myself.

Why are you using IKEA plates instead of the hand-wash-only, crepe-thin ones grandpa passed down to you? What do you mean they “tested positive for lead”?

Do NOT get that cavity filled. I emailed your X-rays to your aunt’s childhood friend’s hair lady’s stepdaughter-in-law. She works with a very respected dentist in Queens, and he says you’re being scammed. Also, he has a son who’s finishing up his cardiology fellowship…

You’ve been sitting on the sidewalk again, haven’t you? I can see it in your eyes. Here’s a bronze samovar and an unreadable Cyrillic recipe for rosehip tea to unfreeze your womb.

You’re writing a novel? Here are forty-two historically accurate nicknames for a male cow in Soviet-era Ukraine. Don’t embarrass us with this “Spot” nonsense.

I need more copies of your book for my office. I sold the last twenty you gave me to my patients.

I see you’re having an excavating heart-to-heart with your American friend about her childhood trauma. Here’s a plate of cut apples. Make sure to eat the skin; that’s where all the vitamins are. Stop crying, Shannon—your tears are washing the vitamins off.

You have a cold? How many times have I told you not to leave the house with wet hair? Put this raw garlic beneath your pillow and flash this quarter at the full moon. Here’s enough chicken bouillon to drown a mountain lion.

A pimple! Now I know you’ve been touching your face again. I got you an emergency appointment with my facial lady in an hour. Give her this fifty-pound box of Ferrero Rocher. But ask that cardiology fellow to carry it—your womb is damaged enough from sitting on the sidewalk as is.

You’re giving how much money as a wedding present? After her babushka’s florist let us sleep on his pullout for a week in 1993 when we came to this country with no money? Slip this extra hundred dollars into your card. I won’t let you embarrass me.

Why aren’t you using the camel-fur comforter your cousin gave you? He waited in line for six hours with only a heel of bread to chew on while a rabid pregnant dog mauled his legs. In the hospital, they gave him the wrong antidote. That’s why he’s… you know.

If you get an animal, I swear to God, I’ll never step foot in your apartment again. We didn’t sacrifice everything for you to become one of those Americans who kisses her dog on the lips. Here’s fifty dollars for tickets to the zoo. Invite that cardiology fellow to join you…

Are you hungry? Papa just shelled three hundred sunflower seeds.