Hey, I heard you saw that movie! What did you think? My opinion may actually be a bit controversial because I am hearing a lot of people liked it, but… uh-oh, I didn’t. I’m such the contrarian, I know, but hear me out. No, I haven’t seen the movie.

Why haven’t I seen it? I’m just, really busy. I have a lot going on in my personal and professional life, but it’s really nice that you are able to find the time to see so many movies! I’m glad for you!

However, I regret to inform you that the joy you felt from seeing the movie is wrong and problematic. Did you really think that movie was “good”? That’s interesting! Just wondering, did you even understand the subtext of the female protagonist’s final monologue? I didn’t, because I haven’t seen the movie, and am not sure if there is a female protagonist or not, but I didn’t like it from what I imagined it to be. I guess I’m just a film buff.

The way the movie handled issues that were not discussed or meant to be invoked by said movie was practically nonexistent. I mean, come on! How closed minded of you AND the movie. I now associate you only with the movie. No, I didn’t see the trailer for it. As I explained before, I do 15 minutes of guided meditation every morning, I have a lot on my plate already.

I will be aggressively Twitter-threading when this movie inevitably gets nominated for five Oscars, because it simply did NOT impress me with the way it addressed the scene where I heard that other people liked it. Isn’t it just like our “sheeple” society to enjoy things?

I am better than the director of the movie because I avoided all the important issues entirely by not making a movie. As far as I’m concerned, the hard-working people that helped make this movie are criminals and should be held accountable for their actions. Is that controversial? I guess I’m just a progressive thinker is all. But I’m happy for you that you liked the movie!

Honestly, I just think that the OTHER movie was better. You know, that movie you haven’t seen yet? It figures that you haven’t seen it yet. Everyone is too busy seeing the movie to see the other movie. I actually, and admittedly controversially, prefer the other movie. No, I have not seen the other movie either. I’m very busy here! However, I can confidently say that the other movie, though underrated, far surpassed the movie in terms of sophisticated cinematography and fewer people liking it. You should see it!

I’d really love to talk more about the reasons that you loved this awful, degenerative movie that I am the one true hero that the world needs for bravely voicing my displeasure for, but I’m late for my appointment to write the word “Actually” 1,000 times on a piece of paper and donate it to charity. Bless you for your adorable ignorant tastes and you’re welcome. I’ve never seen any movie.