When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Use Stevia instead of sugar. Write a think piece about the obesity crisis.

When life gives you lemons, add googly eyes. Give them names. Blame them for all of your shortcomings. Carry them in a satchel and unload them onto new acquaintances.

When life gives you lemons, ignore them. Leave them on the kitchen counter until they develop a powdery, green mold. Make someone else deal with them.

Before life ever gives you lemons, use Sensodyne toothpaste and cut back on coffee as a preventative measure. Read numerous Kindle books about lemons. Consider yourself an amateur pomologist.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them on everything you serve to your children.

When life gives you a rejected think piece about the obesity crisis, make lemonade. Add vodka. Add more vodka. Wake up the next day to discover more lemons.

When life gives you lemons, plant the seeds in the fertile ground of your resentment. Cultivate a tree that will haunt your family for generations.

When life gives you lemons, check to make sure they aren’t, in fact, underripe grapefruits. If they’re underripe grapefruits, you’re well and truly fucked.

When life gives you Meyer lemons, check your privilege.

When life gives you limes, make a margarita.