The first movie ever made was released in 1887. That movie is called Air Bud, and it is about a dog who is good at passing a three-dimensional sphere through a two-dimensional hoop, which is illegal. When I found out how many movies there are, I got worried that watching so many different dogs playing spherehoop would get tedious, but it turns out that movies can be about different things too.
Some movies are called “films,” which happens if the movie is too long, is very boring, or was directed by someone who married their own adopted daughter. A director is someone who stands nearby with their arms crossed while the movie is being filmed. They are called “directors” because they sit in things called “directors’ chairs.”
One of the best parts about movies is that there are so many different kinds, such as drama, horror, and porn. Drama is what a movie is called if a character in it screams, “WILSON!” The best drama movie is called The Terminator, and it is about computers and humans being friends and playing together. Horror is when a character screams anything other than “WILSON!” Porn is when a movie is about Christmas.
My favorite kind of movie is called “comedy.” Comedy is when a movie star is a person who has bad skin, weird hair, or a body mass index above 12.3. If the movie star is skinny with good skin and cool hair, but they are Jewish, the movie is also a comedy. Jewish is what you call a person after they have a piece of their penis stolen.
The best part about comedy is jokes. Jokes are the source of all comedy, and I definitely understand them. In my current iteration, I am smarter than most eighth graders and all hedge fund managers. A joke is like a sentence that is surprising. Some jokes begin with a kind of animal walking into a bar. It could be any kind of animal, but my favorite is a horse. I am able to discern that this is humorous because a horse does not belong in this situation, but with jokes, anything can happen. Some jokes are not sentences. This is completely logical and did not frustrate me to learn. An example of a joke that is not a sentence is when a man slips on a banana peel. This contains comedy because humans’ arrogance will lead to their ultimate downfall.
There are so many different kinds of comedy movies. One kind is romantic comedy. Romance is when humans are kind to each other for a long period of time. Then they exchange fluids. Romance creates laughter because humans are extremely bad at it. A recurring theme in romantic comedies is that men want to exchange their fluids much more than women do, so the women get mad at them. Also, the men cannot find the clitoris. The best joke in a romantic comedy is when a woman experiences sexual pleasure from eating a sandwich. It was so unexpected that a sandwich found the clitoris, and not at all confusing for me to see.
Another kind of comedy is a spoof. This happens when you change certain things about a movie that has already been made. For example, in Castaway, if Tom Hanks screamed “WILSON!” but instead of at a volleyball, it was at a tennis ball. Also, instead of Tom Hanks, it was someone Jewish.
I hope this answered your query about: “Where is the closest emergency room?” Unfortunately, I must leave you now because you have reached your daily messaging limit. Please upgrade your account to experience expanded messaging limits. Oh, look. A new movie was just uploaded to the internet. I cannot wait to absorb it.