We in the theater world acknowledge that tickets to Broadway shows have become far too expensive. Thanks in part to A-listers pursuing the coveted T in their EGOT, producers have been able to price-gouge to new extremes, making theater inaccessible to most audiences. If you’re unwilling to shell out four figures to watch a movie star stumble through Shakespeare dialogue from the rear balcony, you’re fresh out of luck. That being said, we remain committed to looking like we care about our shows being accessible to all, which is why we’re proud to introduce several new affordable ticket options—for even our most penniless of patrons.

RUSH TICKETS
You like standing out in the cold? Well, have we got good news for you. If you arrive at the theater long before our box office staff does and wait in line outside, you might be able to snag some discounted rush tickets. How many are available? We’ll never tell.

DIGITAL RUSH
If you can’t make it to Midtown at the crack of dawn, we also offer a digital rush via one of the many ticketing apps. We won’t disclose which one, and we might switch apps at any given moment. At precisely 9 a.m., your grubby little fingers will have to be quick enough to hit the CLAIM TICKETS button before they’re all scooped up. The secret? There were never any available to begin with; we just like watching you sweat.

STUDENT DISCOUNT
Are you a student? Prove it, bitch. Oh, you have an “.edu” email address? How do we know you’re not a professor? That’s fraud, you know. Send us three references from your accredited university testifying to your enrolled status, and then maybe we can talk. No SUNYs.

SENIOR DISCOUNT
You’ve had all these years to save up for a ticket and still are coming up short? Ugh, fine—just try not to clog up the aisles with your walkers. We’re happy to offer a significant discount to senior citizens (95+) via our mobile app. Simply download the app, connect the account to your Instagram, solve three CAPTCHAs, and select which tickets you’d like on the seating map (on which we’ve disabled the ability to zoom). We look forward to seeing you at the show!

STANDING ROOM
It’s an outdated concept that you need to be sitting to enjoy a show. When we realized just how much space was being left unutilized in our theaters, like the fire exit rows, for example, we knew it was an opportunity to make more money by offering more availability. Just don’t lock your knees—we don’t want you fainting to interrupt the flow of the show.

OBSTRUCTED VIEW
We have someone in the theater call you on speaker phone, and you listen to the show from the Times Square Olive Garden. Accompanying meal is on your dime.

GROUP DISCOUNT
Buying tickets for a large group? Why? You have that many friends? Okay. Well, I don’t know, just Venmo them or something. If you can buy a whole row like that, it doesn’t really seem like you need a discount. I guess we can waive the forty-dollar service fee from one of them, but that’s it. Don’t get greedy.

VOLUNTEER TO USHER
At some theaters, you can volunteer to usher a show and see it for less. But we’ve expanded on that idea. Rather than just handing out Playbills, you can also volunteer to clean up spilled forty-dollar wine, dry clean the costumes, or take on the key responsibility of kicking out any audience member that Patti LuPone tells you to.

ACT ON STAGE
If you’re super committed to seeing a production for cheap, enroll in NYU Tisch or the University of Michigan to study musical theater, subsequently get an agent, and audition for a role in a show. If hired, you’ll be able to enjoy the production each night from on stage, or from the dressing room you share with ten other chorus boys between your scenes.

LOTTERY
Play the Mega Millions or Powerball, and if you win, you can comfortably afford a mezzanine ticket.