From all of us here at Bank of Money, Happy Pride!

Though if anyone asks, you didn’t hear that from us. We’re straight now.

We know that may come as a surprise after the past ten years of emphasizing all the money we’ve donated to LGBTQIA+ orgs, taking up increasingly more space in the parade with our float, and having the bank’s twitter account flirt with Lil Nas X. But we’d now like to clarify that we’re only into one-man, one-woman stuff.

We will be pulling our Platinum Sponsorship from this year’s Pride weekend. Sure, it’ll cost the festival hundreds of thousands of dollars on short notice, but you wouldn’t want a cishet bank there, would you? We’re cis now too.

Just think of this shift like the morning we change our LinkedIn profile from our rainbow logo back to our regular one. It’s always July 1 now at Bank of Money.

To all our LGBTQIA+ customers, you are still deeply valued. While we are asking all bank employees to replace “pronouns” with “favorite NFL team” in their email signatures, we feel confident you won’t spend all of June moving your money to a different bank. You know we’ll get you the best possible interest rate on your savings.

To that end, all of our customers, regardless of sexuality, can still count on our annual June promotional deals. We’re just renaming the deal from “You Better WERK on Your Investments, Kween!” to “Money Market Accounts to Save for Five Beautiful Blond Children.”

Also, it’s not like we’re not doing anything for Pride. We’re giving some of our LGBTQIA+ employees the entire month of June off. We’re furloughing the DEI office.

As a courtesy to our LGBTQIA+ customers, we do want to let you know that if you use your debit card to spend too much money on iced coffee, mesh tanks, and astrology apps, you will be flagged in our system as homosexual and reported to the FBI.

It’s been fun these past ten years. We had a blast inserting ourselves in your celebration. But the time has come for us to live our truths. And now we love God, corn, and arguing in airports.

So, Happy Regular Month! #MoneyIsMoney♥️