Client: First Federal Bank—Life’s a Breeze™ credit card

Envelope teaser line: We’ve got your parents duct-taped together in a van.

Back-of-envelope copy: Life’s short. Make it rewarding by earning First Federal reward points, which can be redeemed for gifts like seeing your parents safely exit our van unscathed.

Letter headline: Are you tired of high interest rates, blackout dates, and sky-high finance charges?

Letter subhead/payoff: Well, your parents are tired of being bound together in the back of a van, trying to eat cold Chinese take-out through the gags we’ve fashioned out of oily rags. That’s why you need to use the enclosed postage-paid card to reply. Just check the box that says, “Yes! Sign me up so I can start earning rewards like seeing my parents exit the van unscathed today!” and you’ll be on your way.

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(Copy for letter.)

Dear Mr./Mrs. Name Name:

First, know that your parents are fine. They’re fine, and it’s OK to laugh! That was all in good fun, and we need to be honest and say that we’ve harmlessly tricked you into opening this envelope in order to read some exciting news about a card that has it all: low fixed-rate annual percentage rates, easy reward-point redemption with no airline and hotel/resort blackout dates, and online account-management options that will make your Life a Breeze®.

When we mentioned gagging your parents and throwing them in the van, your mind was tricked into wanting to know more about how the First Federal Easy Breeze™ card is here to make things easier than you ever imagined a credit card could.

But wait, before you dismiss the Easy Breeze™ card from First Federal as just another credit card, you should understand that your parents actually are in that van we were talking about. That’s right, we weren’t kidding after all. They’re in the van, they’re gagged like fugitives, and the thing we didn’t tell you is that they’re also soaked head to toe in kerosene. To make matters worse, the driver of the van is a degenerate bum with a sheet of prior convictions longer than your arm, and he makes his money trading black-market bones and skin. They’re fine right now, your parents … but your urgent reply to this offer is needed to ensure they aren’t put in harm’s way by the potentially violent felonious drifter who is staring at them as he laughs and weeps in turn. He is a registered sex offender; we’re obligated to disclose that.

We’re kidding! We’re just having some fun with you, so relax … your loved ones are fine!

You see, we’re breaking you down emotionally so that you’ll be more receptive to an offer that will truly change the way you think about credit cards, interest rates, and rewards programs. And, in order to truly and totally change the way you think about credit cards, we literally need to change the way you think, and this is done through a number of psychiatric exercises that have been proven to break down intellect and fray the conscious mind until it recedes, allowing a whole new consumer-decision-making process to emerge from the recesses of your subconscious mind.

Ideally, you’ll take a complimentary, no-obligation consultation with one of our financial planners, and we’ll be able to trick you into a back room, getting you started on a steady diet of hashish and pornography before speaking to you about future offers from our promotional partners.

Your parents are fine. No, they’re not. We’re kidding. No, we’re not—we were kidding about kidding. Hashish smoke slides down your throat like a pungent, sweet, heartless blue-gray anaconda aching to nest; you feel heavy and tired. The constant stream of pornography has you strangely aroused despite a 72-hour fight-or-flight panic. Eyes get heavy, an odd appetite for sex keeps you awake. Suddenly, debt becomes asset, credit a key to unlock dreams of better living. Are you ready to make Life a Breeze™ with the First Federal Life’s a Breeze Platinum Rewards Card®?

Act now and lock in your guaranteed low 13.33 percent APR!

Turn around, I’m right behind you.

No, I’m not—

Mr. Keith Clarkson
President, New Business/Customer Acquisition
First Federal Bank