To our loyal LGBTQ+ customers,
Happy Pride! If you’ve been paying attention to our social media, Bryant White & Company has been vocally supporting month-people — including Black people, AAPI people, and women — like you since our emergency re-branding meeting last summer. It’s been your turn this month, and we’ve been celebrating YOU by affirming that, as your family bank, we embrace your beautiful, inspiring money.
It’s 2021. As corporations across the globe step up to issue rallying cries like “Trans people exist,”“Bisexuals – They’re Among Us!,” and “Mrs. Butterworth Tried Some Hand Stuff With Girls During College,” we realized that we simply could not afford to stay silent. That’s why we’re taking a stand in front of the world and all of our shareholders: Here at Bryant White & Company, we pledge to courageously take your money, regardless of its gender identity or sexual orientation.
Gay? That’s okay! Trans? We’re fans! When you bank with Bryant White & Company, we only care about one acronym: DINK.. We are proud to hold the assets of people like you — no matter how white, affluent, financially stable, and photogenic.
We’re sure you have questions. (Does Q still stand for questioning? We can’t say the other word on the advice of counsel.) Let us address some of them here:
What specifically are you doing to support the LGBTQ community this month?
- We marched in Pride celebrations in six major cities for just long enough to be photographed.
- We ran three T.V. ads (featuring two interracial same-sex couples holding hands while opening a joint savings account) that you’ll never see again after June 30th.
- We now record customers’ preferred pronouns, so we can gender you correctly when you drop off your check or we evict you from your home.
- We will try to be more discreet when we funnel money directly to Mitch McConnell’s war chest or into the pockets of anti-LGBT politicians who are weirdly obsessed with genitals and bathrooms.
Are you planning to do any more charitable giving?
Using the discretionary funds from our DEI program, we will give back to you in the form of thousands of pounds of plastic rainbow swag. Swag has been an integral part of Pride ever since Marsha P. Johnson threw the first Mountain Dew souvenir stress ball at Stonewall.
Isn’t corporate Pride swag just commodifying our struggle?
No. With every Bryant White & Company-branded rainbow frisbee and novelty pen we distribute, we’re doing the vital work of increasing the visibility of our brand increasing the visibility of you.
Is Bryant White & Company an LGBTQ-friendly employer?
We are an inclusive employer where many LGBTQ cogs have chosen to work (or “werq”). Bryant White & Company has never wrongfully terminated or discriminated against an LGBTQ employee in a way that could be proven in court.
Didn’t you invest mind-boggling amounts of money into the kinds of private prisons which sustain our country’s sprawling juggernaut of mass incarceration and regularly abuse trans women by imprisoning them with incarcerated men and denying them hormones?
We don’t know why you’d bring up something hurtful from way back in 2019. Shhhhh. Look at the pretty rainbow. Pretty. Let the colors soothe you. That’s good.
Where will you stand on LGBTQ issues going forward?
While you march for equity, we will be standing on the sidelines, doing furious market research.
Thank you again for choosing Bryant White and for making superficial support for your human rights so profitable. We’ll see you next June.
In fleeting solidarity,
Bryant White & Co.