ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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Articles by
Tom Smyth
Tom Smyth is a writer from New York. His writing has previously appeared in the thank you notes from his high school graduation party. He enjoys reading, watching television, and writing about himself in the third person.
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September 7, 2023Types of Acting Still Permitted Under SAG-AFTRA’s Strike Rules
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May 31, 2022Excerpts from Ina Garten’s Anarchist Cookbook
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December 10, 2021We’re Sorry, You Can’t Join Our Street Gang Because You Don’t Know Ballet
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May 6, 2021I’m the Judge Who Approved the Custody Arrangement in The Parent Trap, But in My Defense, I Didn’t Think They Would Go to the Same Camp
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March 10, 2021Oprah’s Tell-All Interviews with Other Princesses
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January 13, 2021Excerpts from the Sex and the City Revival in Which Samantha Is Replaced with Fran Lebowitz
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December 21, 2020The Nativity Pageant Cast List That Ensures Every Child Has a Role
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November 4, 2020We Must Stop Democrats From Stealing This Election by Trying to Count Votes
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June 9, 2020Billy Joel’s “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant That Closed Due to Coronavirus”
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May 4, 2020I Keep Checking My Mailbox for My Stimulus Check, But I’m Only Getting Time-Traveling Letters from Keanu Reeves in The Lake House
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September 16, 2019“Cancel Culture” Is Dangerous Because Everybody Deserves Redemption and the Right to Work, Except Actresses Who Turn 40
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May 20, 2019I Don’t Think a Woman Is Electable In 2020 Because Last Time Around the Female Nominee Only Got Three Million More Votes Than Her Opponent
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September 22, 2023It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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September 15, 2023Son, You’re Old Enough to Know the Truth, There is No Such Thing as the “Invisible Hand of the Market”
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September 22, 2023Welcome to Rosalita’s Boarding House for Girls and Women Rescued by Bruce Springsteen from Dead-End Small Towns
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September 18, 2023Who Made This Hummus?
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September 29, 2023I’m Your Three-Year-Old Interior Designer and This Is Your New Home Makeover
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September 29, 2023Job Posting: Lead Bro for Vivek Ramaswamy’s Campaign
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September 28, 2023A Template for Right-Wingers Upset with Taylor Swift
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September 28, 2023Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with Reagan’s Ghost