McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
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Articles by
Tom Smyth
Tom Smyth is a writer from New York. His writing has previously appeared in the thank you notes from his high school graduation party. He enjoys reading, watching television, and writing about himself in the third person.
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August 16, 2024Oh Dear God, We Forgot to Let P!nk Down
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July 24, 2024Table Options for Your Dinner Reservation
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April 3, 2024Emails from My Dentist That Would Actually Make Me Schedule an Appointment
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February 27, 2024A Marketing Consultant Visits Mrs. Lovett’s Pie Shop
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December 22, 2023This Woman in Labor Is Gonna Love My Drumming
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September 7, 2023Types of Acting Still Permitted Under SAG-AFTRA’s Strike Rules
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May 31, 2022Excerpts from Ina Garten’s Anarchist Cookbook
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December 10, 2021We’re Sorry, You Can’t Join Our Street Gang Because You Don’t Know Ballet
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May 6, 2021I’m the Judge Who Approved the Custody Arrangement in The Parent Trap, But in My Defense, I Didn’t Think They Would Go to the Same Camp
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March 10, 2021Oprah’s Tell-All Interviews with Other Princesses
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January 13, 2021Excerpts from the Sex and the City Revival in Which Samantha Is Replaced with Fran Lebowitz
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December 21, 2020The Nativity Pageant Cast List That Ensures Every Child Has a Role
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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September 30, 2024Faculty, Rejoice: Gmail Can Now Translate “Deanspeak”
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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September 10, 2024The Department of Energy Wants You to Know Your Conservation Efforts Are Making a Difference
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October 10, 2024The Topeka Witches Coven Answers Questions about the Upcoming Union Vote to Join the United Auto Workers
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October 10, 2024I’m the “Scoopy Daddy”: Clarifying My New Approach to Parenting
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October 9, 2024270 Reasons: Because the American Experiment Is on the Defensive
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October 9, 2024Leaked Transcript of the Secret Meeting Where Democrats Control the Weather