If you can’t make your own fertilizer for your bombs, store-bought is fine. But pay cash and don’t get it all from the same place. You’ll want to break up the purchase across various fabulous gardening stores throughout the Hamptons to avoid suspicion—even go to Sag Harbor if you have to.
When making a classic Molotov cocktail, you really only need a few simple ingredients that you can find around the house. I start by filling up an empty rosé bottle with about half a cup of good olive oil. If you don’t have any spare gasoline around the garden shed, you can always siphon from one of your neighbor’s Vespas. As for the fuel-soaked rag? A monogrammed silk dinner napkin will do beautifully. Any excess make for gorgeous centerpieces, so long as you keep them away from the candelabra. And best of all they travel beautifully; I’ve taken them all the way to Martha Stewart’s Westchester estate many a time to set fire to her craft room.
When it comes to weapons, it should come as no surprise that I feel most at home with a blade. But it’s always important to have the proper grip on your knife, whether it be for dicing tomatoes for a light spring salad or charging an enemy. If you can butcher a pork shoulder, you can certainly butcher an attacker intent on making you a martyr for the cause.
These gorgeous morning glories are a staple of my garden, but did you know that you can use their seeds to make an absolutely fabulous LSD? All you’ll need is some petroleum ether, wood alcohol, and a cookie tray. How easy is that?
A classic smoke bomb is a must-have in your arsenal to distract your enemies, but what I do to set mine apart is make these gorgeously fragrant sage and lavender smoke bombs. You’ll distract more senses than one as your adversary tries to place the floral notes of coriander in the air, giving you the perfect opportunity to flee the crime scene.
Jeffrey’s away this weekend, so I’m having some gay friends over to discuss taking down the capitalist regime by force over bruschetta and Prosecco. And no dinner party is complete without personalized place settings using the fake names everyone registered for the draft under. It’s the perfect excuse to break out the calligraphy pens that I haven’t used since I wrote that ransom note for the governor’s daughter. What’s the main course? Well, as I always say, there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism unless you’re consuming my lemon roast chicken!
A dash of pepper or mustard powder can get you a long way, whether for deviled eggs or for burning the eyes of the oppressor—but for that extra kick you’ll want to whip up some tear gas. Though a more advanced recipe, it’s always good to have some on hand—and it’s the perfect use for my canning jars when tomatoes aren’t in season. If possible, it’s best to prepare more complex recipes like this out on the veranda or in the pool shed. The same goes for explosives—it’s a delicate process not unlike keeping a soufflé from collapsing in the oven, so better to be safe than have Jeffrey return home to a demolished breakfast nook!
Speaking of explosives, a fun trick I like to use is to prepare my TNT on the night of July Fourth. That way, any mistaken eruptions get written off by the neighbors as the annual fireworks display over the East Hampton shoreline.
Sometimes it just isn’t possible to whip up a pipe bomb or batch of homemade grenades every time you want to burn the system to the ground—so here’s a simpler option that, in my opinion, is even more destructive than setting a government building ablaze: prepare your lemon squares without using the juice of two freshly squeezed lemons. That’s right, use bottled lemon juice. I might be polarizing some with this more radical viewpoint, but sometimes drastic measures like bottled lemon juice are the only way to destroy a corrupt and oppressive system!
The revolution will be televised: weekdays at noon on Food Network.