The miracle of birth is so incredibly beautiful to behold. Do you know the only thing that could make it better? Percussion. Nothing calms one’s stress and eases the pain of delivering a baby than a little boy standing nearby absolutely shredding on his drum. That’s why it’s so lucky that I just so happened to be passing by this barn, where I discovered a woman having a baby. What better audience?

Now, to be fair, I did ask permission before I started drumming. And she nodded—at least I thought it was a nod; she could have just been recoiling or looking down to make sure the donkeys weren’t in the baby’s landing zone. Nonetheless, I took that as a go-ahead to play my drum throughout the labor and delivery. Newborns love loud banging, right?

Honestly, thank god I had my drum with me because otherwise, I would have been empty-handed at what soon became a full-fledged baby shower. Here I thought it was just your everyday live birth in a stable, but then these three guys showed up with presents. They kept referring to them as their “finest gifts,” but what the hell is a baby going to do with myrrh? They couldn’t have brought a crib? Oh, and they called him a “newborn king.” Yeah, right. The kid’s being born in literal hay, he’s obviously a poor boy like me. But it must have been a cloudy night when I was born, because no magical star was leading gift-bearing kings to me. Imagine how many more drums I’d have if a bunch of random kings cared about my birth.

But you know what? The more the merrier. My kick-ass drumming filled this joint up like you wouldn’t believe. When I first got here, it was just the pregnant lady and her man (baby looks nothing like him, by the way, just saying), and then soon enough, there was a baby, three kings, a couple of shepherds, and this winged, halo-wearing lady that stood behind them—I’m assuming that was the midwife or something? Luckily, I perform even better with a crowd. And thank goodness that ox and lamb were so good at keeping time.

They said they’re gonna name the baby “Jesus,” which is cool, but I’m gonna pronounce it Jay-Soo. And the more I think about it, the more I can’t help but think that this whole story would make for a great song. There are so many songs that feature drumming, but what if there was one about drumming? Would be pretty cool, I bet. I could make the birth of Christ all about me. And instead of just playing the drum, I’ll make drumming noises with my mouth, onomatopoeia-style. “Pa rum pum pum pum.” That’s what a drum sounds like, right?

My story will become legend. Sure, I won’t make it into the actual Bible, but everybody knows that’s payola—getting a mention in there is all about who you know. It’s all politics. No, I’ll be a fun little add-on to the story. And one day, Josh Groban will spread it to the world.