It was all fun and games until now. Parties, sporting events, ejaculating into a bowl of ice cream and then forcing freshman to eat it. But with everything that’s going on surrounding the Brett Kavanaugh hearing, I’m beginning to wonder if my fraternity membership might ruin my chances of one day being handed a powerful position.
Once you pledge a fraternity, it means you have lifelong friends. It means you never have to sit alone at lunch. It means you force young men to drink vast amounts of alcohol until they die of alcohol poisoning. But does that mean you should be penalized decades later by not getting to be a Supreme Court Justice?
Like most guys living the Greek life, I’ve had the occasional drink, played the odd game of beer pong and forced a guy to drink vodka off my testicles. Those things don’t just erase my aspirations and my sense of entitlement, though. I still have big dreams.
Women! You can’t live with them, and you can’t even thrust your penis in their faces anymore without it becoming the kind of thing that hampers your career opportunities. Yes — you read that right! Penis-in-the-face thrusting is why Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination might ultimately sink. It’s crazy! I mean, it’s not like the guy hired a nanny without proper documentation.
Now every time I hand a girl a cup of jungle juice in the hopes of her getting drunk enough to rape, I have to stop and think. Is this the kind of woman who will speak out when I get my lifetime appointment? Or is she the kind to be like, whatever, it’s just rough horseplay and also I don’t want death threats.
The list of things a guy can’t do without risking his future grows daily. Did you know that a man can’t, for example, wave a flag made from women’s panties? Or that he can’t chant “No Means Yes and Yes Means Anal”? And that he can’t even be a member of an all-male secret society nicknamed “Tit and Clit” anymore? I mean, a young man can technically do all these things without any consequences, but thirty years later he may possibly have to worry that he won’t get to be a Supreme Court justice. It’s just not right.
Where does it end? All over America suburban women are probably terrified for their sons who might one day get nominated to sit on the Supreme Court. What should they tell these impressionable young boys who are watching this confirmation process and thinking about their futures? Should they instruct them not to join all male fraternities that encourage rape? Should they teach them how to see women as human beings and not as sexual objects they can assault? Should they instruct them about the need for consent before engaging in any sexual act? Or should they tell their precious sons that all boys sexually assault women, so it’s totally cool. These poor suburban moms of male sons!
Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a young man who treated women like sexual objects. Everyone loved him for his womanizing because he was rich and managed to renovate an ice-skating rink. He got to be on Page Six of the New York Post and eventually got his own tv show. And do you know what happened to that man? Of course you do. He’s the President of the United States. Even though his wife accused him of raping her and 18 other women also accused him of sexual misconduct and assault.
That’s the America I know and Iove. So you know what? I’m staying put in this fraternity. I know I might be risking my future on the Supreme Court, but there are always jobs like the Presidency to fall back on. And next week is our venerated annual Pimps and Hoes party. What could go wrong?