“Activists supporting abortion rights demonstrated Monday night outside Justice Samuel Alito’s house to protest the possible reversal of the landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, following similar rallies at the homes of other Supreme Court justices over the weekend.” — NBC News, 5/10/22

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I’m a Supreme Court justice with strong opinions about other people’s bodies, and a lot of you aren’t respecting my personal space right now. Protestors are surrounding my house and keeping me up at night, which is when I like to spend some quiet time alone, away from my conscience. So I am writing this to ask a favor: please respect my right to privacy while I completely destroy yours.

I get it, you’re upset with me because I’m on the verge of overturning Roe v. Wade, which ruled that the right to choose whether to have an abortion is protected by a constitutional right to privacy. But I still expect everyone who isn’t me to respect my right to privacy. Does that make sense? Eh, doesn’t matter—I’m an illegitimate philosopher-king cloaked in immense power and a stupid robe. I can do whatever I want. You can’t, though.

It’s pretty simple: I deeply disapprove of the people who are peaceably assembling to petition me for a redress of grievances. And sure, that may be what is word-for-word allowed by the First Amendment, but I’m the guy who gets to interpret the amendments, and I say that one sucks. Sue me! You can’t.

You might ask, “What are we supposed to do, then, to show our disapproval?” And to that I’d say, like a total jackass, “Vote!”

And you might ask, “But what if the person we vote for gets way more votes, but they still don’t become president, and then the other guy packs the highest court in the country with radical minority viewpoints?” And to that I’d say, completely making shit up, “That’s democracy!”

And you might say, “Your ruling will kill many, many people. How can you live with that? How does that preserve the sanctity of life?” And to that I’d say, “Stop asking me questions. Questions are an invasion of my right to privacy!”

Look, in the end, what it comes down to is that some people get a right to privacy, and others don’t. People who can get pregnant? No right to privacy. People who make the laws about the people who can get pregnant? Full right to privacy, plus an extensive security detail, and also $250,000 a year for the rest of their lives. If that doesn’t sound fair, just remember: I don’t make the rules. I simply interpret them, get rid of them, and also sometimes literally make them.