Take it from me, when it comes to nudes, you can never be too careful. You can live nearly a century believing that your nude is lying in a safe on the bottom of the ocean floor, out of sight forever. But it will be dug up. It will be declared to be a vital clue in a treasure hunter’s quest for sunken valuables. And it will affect your employment prospects. They said the Titanic wouldn’t leak either, you know.

To add insult to injury, those “scientists” ogling your nip pic might even broadcast it on national television. They’ll call it the “find of the century,” and ignore how awkward that makes things between you and your grandchildren. They may say it’s all in pursuit of historical and sociological revelations about our past. But make no mistake, with National Geographic, boobs are always the headline.

So think before you strip and sketch, and don’t ignore the red flags when he asks for a peek. Maybe his little speech about “making each day count” doesn’t really mean anything. Maybe it’s weird he was more interested when he found out you were engaged. Maybe “King of the World” isn’t a real job and he should stop talking about it like it is. Be strong. You let him have sex with you in the back of a car because he doesn’t have his own place. It also just occurred to you it might not even have been his own car. Maybe this is a good time to draw a line?

And, please, don’t be fooled by the usual come-ons. Don’t let him “draw you like one of his French girls.” You’re not French, and also you’re seventeen. This probably isn’t legal. It might have felt like it was your idea, but that’s just what he wants. Like his sketchbook of naked ladies just happened to fall open right where you could see it. Of course you want him to draw you like one of them, they look amazing! And he might pretend to be all embarrassed, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s running out of pages in his big book of boobies. Falling into that trap was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done (and yes, I am including the time I boarded the Titanic).

Oh, and know this: you might come forward later in your old age, begging the researchers to be discreet and to, for god’s sake, take your boobs off the twenty-four-hour news cycle. They’ll say they want to hear your story, but it’s just an excuse to sit you down, interrogate you about the picture, and ask you whether you have an OnlyFans now. Makes you want to chuck that stupid rock they’re looking for into the ocean, right?