For the love of God, someone help me. Yesterday was my twenty-first birthday, marking my first year as a twenty-something and my life is now impossible to navigate. I can’t comprehend existence the way I used to and I feel inexplicably drawn to the idea of a meal that combines breakfast and lunch, served with a mimosa. I know that there are certain things a twenty-something needs in order to survive, but I can’t remember what they are. Is there a listicle? A slideshow? Anything! I need an easily digestible piece of reading material that can help me to re-learn all the everyday tasks, skills, and thought processes I can no longer remember since losing all cognizance. If it is written entirely in quotes from lovable celebrity or television characters and reapplied to fit an entirely different situation, all the better.

When did it get so bad? How did I lose track of everything? Of who I am? My mother always used to say… Oh God. What was it? She was always giving me quippy statements to frame my state of mind, but how can you frame a mind that is empty? I know I was supposed to stop and smell something, but what? And there was definitely something I shouldn’t do in instances of spilled milk, but I cannot for the life of me remember what. Don’t sing about spilled milk? Could someone please impose their opinion of what my current outlook on life should be?

I need to get away and clear my head. But where would I go? I don’t know what’s out there. I’ve heard rumors of other cities and countries, but conceptualizing the idea of things and ideas that I can’t see has been hurting my head, so how would I go about choosing one to visit? And how would I get there? Is there a city that is kinder to my age bracket? A method of travel that maximizes the enjoyment for a person like me, who is only like me because we share a birth year? I may not know a lot about this society I am trying to re-enter, but it is abundantly clear that, if it applies to one twenty-something, it will apply to all of us.

How much time do I have left? Am I doomed to live in this hell of lost knowledge? Will it end with my twenties? When my twenties end, will it be too late? Are there things I need to do, facts I need to know, jokes I need to tell, books I need to read before the decade comes to a close? Am I wasting my time and my life? What is my purpose? Am I special?

I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve been looking through old photographs and flipping through diaries, trying to find answers, but all I found was a framed paper declaring I had received a “Bachelor of Arts Degree.” I didn’t know much, but I did know that this had indescribable value. The pawn shop, however, would not give me anything for it. I went a couple of other places and, as far as I can tell, it is essentially worthless monetarily.

Despite my sudden lack of knowledge and experience, I have opinions about things that everyone NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW. I feel strongly that I am an authority on politics and HBO and other things I can’t really describe due to my mentally crippling amnesia. I get very angry about these topics, but nobody seems to want to listen to what I’m sure would be eloquent arguments if I, myself, could understand them.

Perhaps I will just go underground and live a quiet life of desperation. I’ve heard mumblings about a place called “Social Media Manager.” It seems like a nice place where all people my age go for a while. Just until things start to make sense again.