Hobby Lobby agreed to forfeit thousands of artifacts from modern-day Iraq and pay a $3 million fine to resolve a civil action the Justice Department brought against the company, according to court documents. The DOJ said the company received the falsely labeled artifacts from a United Arab Emirates-based supplier. — CNN

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[INDIANA JONES wanders through rows of crafts piled high in the cavernous warehouse. He moves slowly because he is sneaking, but also because he is very old. He notices long curved shapes in the darkness and stops dead in his tracks.]

INDIANA JONES: Snakes, why did it have to be — wait.

[He squints and stares at the “snakes” for a moment then reaches out and picks one up.]

INDIANA JONES: Oh, they’re just pipe cleaners.

[He starts playing with the whimsical piece of wire and tufted fiber, but gets distracted and drops it. He brushes the rest of the pipe cleaners off of an enormous clay tablet. The lights come on, blinding him. BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY steps out from behind a column of American flag paper plates.]

BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY: Enjoying our crafts, Mr. Jones? Careful, the tablets before you are thousands of years old.

INDIANA JONES: Smuggled all the way from the Middle East — stolen from their rightful owners! I thought you people were Christians! I thought your were bound by the Ten Commandments. Thou shalt not steal!

BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY: Eh, I mean sure we’re Christian when it comes to preventing our female employees from getting birth control — you know, the important part of Christianity — but who follows every little thing?

INDIANA JONES: These artifacts belong in a museum!

BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY: They are going to a museum: our Museum of the Bible.

INDIANA JONES: A real museum! Like a history museum!

BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY: That’s pretty closed minded.

INDIANA JONES: Funny, I’m known more for being closed fisted!

[INDIANA JONES rushes BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY to punch him in the face, but he is very slow because he’s really aged a great deal, and it’s kind of sad. He stops short when BARON HOBBY raises his flamethrower.]

BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY: This bad boy can fire a hundred clay pots a minute, which we then sell at an unbelievable mark up. It will make short work of a pesky archaeologist.

INDIANA JONES: So not only do you steal, but you “Christians” also kill?

BARON BOBBY VON HOBBY: Look, we American evangelicals ignore all the hippie-dippy lovey-dovey stuff and focus on a prosperity gospel we made up, plus all the hateful misogynistic, xenophoic stuff. Now, just like Lot’s wife, you had to peek, and just like that weak, nosy woman, you will pay with your life!

[Before BARON HOBBY can flamethrower INDIANA JONES, JONES whips the handle of a huge container marked SIN. He pulls the door open with his whip and thousands of hoarded birth control pills spill out onto BARON HOBBY, crushing him.]

INDIANA JONES: Always have a Plan B.