You may have heard that the reason shelves aren’t stocked with a hundred kinds of tampons right now is due to forces vexing the global economy. Like fuel costs, labor shortages, and the supply chain.

But really, it’s our fault.

We can’t stop making tampon crafts.

Yes, we know these reliable vaginal corks are intended to absorb menstrual flow during a period. They give menstruating people the freedom to play tennis, sit in hot tubs, and share testimony during investigative congressional panels. All with the peace of mind that there won’t be any mess or leakage. Tampons make life better for a multitude of people around the world.

But if you stick a couple of novelty eyeballs on them, they also make super adorable Halloween ghosts.

For that, we won’t apologize. How were we to know when we stocked our craft room with one hundred thousand tampons that there’d soon be a shortage? It’s 2022—our last box of Tampax was ordered via our phone and dropped at our front door by a drone, for fuck’s sake. It’s not ye olden days when people had to make their own tampons out of sheep wool or artichokes or whatever it was Laura Ingalls did so she wouldn’t get attacked by a grizzly bear with bloodlust.

Still, how could we waste vital feminine hygiene products right now? When we already KNOW there’s a global supply-chain issue on everything from baby formula to Viagra to Rogaine. Oh, wait. Sorry, not Viagra or Rogaine. Those both always seem to be in vast supply for some reason.

Is it irresponsible to misuse the crucial items that the average woman uses nine thousand of in her lifetime? Are we sabotaging our own gender? Are we as bad as the corporate men at Procter and Gamble who blame this shitshow on Amy Schumer? Maybe. But to that, we say: Have you ever seen a pet ferret swing a pair of tiny, hand-painted tampon nunchucks? That’ll cure the ol’ PMS right up!

Additionally, using cotton balls in myriad crafting projects has always been perfectly acceptable. Do you have any idea how many sterile cotton balls—intended for patting open wounds with peroxide—have instead been wasted on the winter-themed artwork of preschoolers? Billions. Maybe trillions. And no one has batted an eye at that nonsense. Tampons are essentially just elongated cotton balls, if you think about it. (And believe us, we thought about this A LOT when we tried to craft bespoke Frozen-themed tampons for last year’s Holiday Market.) The point is, why shouldn’t we make festive Thanksgiving turkey sculptures out of feminine products, or stick beads on tampon strings to create earrings for our sister-in-law if it brings people joy?

Everyone also needs to remember that the government is partially at fault for this tampon shortage. They bought box after box after box so they can provide them free of charge to people menstruating in correctional facilities, and to the menstruating pubescents of our public schools. Menstruators make up 52 percent of the population, so of course Congress provides for those with ovaries.

What’s that? They don’t give shit to those populations? They actually expect women in prison to buy their own tampons? Really?

Well, now we do feel slightly bad for using so many for our crafts. And we’d like to be a part of the solution. Please know there are many everyday items that serve as excellent tampon substitutes, like the tip of a foam finger from a Met’s game, the sleeve ripped from a Coldplay concert tee, or Mitch McConnell’s thumb. However, if you have none of those items at your disposal, please visit our Etsy store, where we have thousands of tampons available. There are reindeer tampons, our Minions-themed collection, and many, many varieties of tampon mice wearing teeny berets.

Until someone steps the hell up and fixes the shortage, and that’s a long fucking shot with the way women are treated in this country, our tampon crafts are ready to help you easily and whimsically through your time of the month. Just be sure to remove the googly eyes, unless you want an exceptionally awkward trip to the gyno. We learned that one the hard way.