Quilt Made From High School Track & Field
Sweatshirts That Meant A Lot To Me

Nothing is better than snuggling up under a warm quilt. After we broke up, Suzanne took my old track & field sweatshirts from high school (that cannot be replaced) and used scissors to cut them into long, thin strips. You can weave the strips into a quilt, or do like Suzanne did and just leave them in a pile on my bed.

Customizable Wall Art That Reminds Me
I Need to Change the Locks

Use your computer to create stencils and paint a fun or inspiring message onto your wall. Something like ENJOY TODAY or BELIEVE. Suzanne went with YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME FUCKER, which is not really fun or inspiring but it sure is a message. Make sure to pick a cool font! For a more rustic look, forgo the stencils (like Suzanne did) and spray paint the message directly onto the wall in a fit of rage.

Lampshade Decoupaged With Pictures
of Suzanne Making Out With
My Best Friend Paul

This one will definitely turn some heads. Use a strong adhesive to paste photographs onto an old lampshade. You can find a cheap one on Craigslist. The end result is really something else! When people see it, they’ll say things like, “This is the worst day of my life,” “Paul has been my best friend since third grade,” and “Suzanne is a monster.”

Wine Bottle Accent Lights

Insert LED light bulbs into empty wine bottles to make these unique accent lights. Take the wine from these bottles and pour it down your throat so you don’t have to think about what a shitty friend Paul is.

Mason Jar Vase

Repurposing mason jars is popular right now, and for good reason. It’s super fun! For this one, fill a mason jar about halfway with dirt, then pick some colorful flowers to plant in them. Alternately, you can skip the flowers (like Suzanne did) and just dump the dirt over the head of your ex’s Tinder date.

DIY Mosaic Mirror Frame

Use pieces of discarded tiles to create a mosaic around your favorite mirror all while convincing your new partner that Suzanne has moved on and everything is fine now. When you’re done, take a look in the mirror and OH MY GOD SUZANNE IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU IN A WEDDING DRESS.

Beaded Necklace
(Wait a Second These Aren’t Beads
They’re Human Teeth)

Jesus Christ. It’s been almost a year, Suzanne. I moved and rented this apartment under a fake name. How did you find me? Whose teeth are these???

Macaroni Picture Frame

Use a hot glue gun to secure pieces of elbow macaroni to a store-bought picture frame. While the hot glue gun warms up, experience occasional bursts of deranged laughter followed by long periods of intense weeping. Realize the constant state of fear your life has become is causing your sanity to slip away from you. Is Suzanne real? Was it all a bad dream? Eat the leftover dry pasta and hide in a closet until it feels safe to come out.