Attention Staff:

The Board of My Life is pleased to share an announcement regarding a change of leadership. For the first time in 31 years, My Life will be led by a renegade leader and woman, Me. Former partner and Interim CEO, Donnie, will be stepping down immediately as he has no subject expertise and also never wanted the job. He will transition into his new role as Head of Manipulative Exes and continue to manage bullshit sales.

To be clear, this is not a political appointment or “spirit of the times,” i.e., hiring women because they look good and it looks good for us. Me beat out several finalist candidates for the position, including convincing psychic Dr. Karl and one very opinionated nail technician. While Me has not been seen at the forefront of decision making she has been sitting in the general area during leadership meetings muttering under her breath about how she could improve on My Life’s circumstances for the last ten-plus years.

Although the anticipated scope of change is very large, we feel confident that Me is the leader we need during this make or break moment in My Life’s history. The 20s are over, the 30s have hit, and success has been few and far between. My Life is seeing significant advancement opportunities, but capturing them will require a new emphasis on marketing, a financial overhaul, and an improvement of general brand awareness. Me has recently presided over an ambitious anxiety-reduction program via candle supply chain and self-help procurement systems via Selling Sunset binges, centralized journaling support systems, and streamlined friendship committees. The Green Smoothie Peloton Daily Initiative was her brainchild! Happiness revenues have substantially increased across the board, bringing her to the attention of senior management. We did make the decision to hide results from the general public as no one likes to see a woman doing good.

Me has a plan to get up to speed quickly, including re-reading diary entries and staring into the mirror while listening to Tracy Chapman. Me has proposed 80% of revenue will now go directly back into My Life, including all money that has been spent on butt masks and Etsy purchases after 11 pm. The strategy will be to turn My Life into a balanced, highly functioning body by 2030.1

Please note business as usual will not continue — all non-domesticated dating options, former fathers, and high-handed men will henceforth be ignored.

To new direct reports and subordinates, including intern dog, Gidget, and Mario, the dramatic mechanic: Me will be setting up time to connect with each of you, if she remembers.

To those who were passed over for this position: While it doesn’t have direct implications for your careers you should take it personally.

This announcement is a sign of the beginning, and not the end of listening to Ace of Base’s “The Sign.” You will see signals shortly of board leadership embracing this change through pained smiles and two thumbs up whenever you look our direction. If you have any questions or complaints feel free to lodge them directly with Me, she will blow a raspberry in your face and then make sure you’re okay.

The Board of My Life

1 Pending Earth’s survival