SUBJECT: Greta R.
House next door. Has two dogs that she inherited when her mother died. The dogs, which had spent all their lives inside a house doted on by an old woman, now live mostly outside in a small fenced pen. Greta has a vaguely German or Dutch accent.
Q: Hello there.
A: Oh, hello.
Q: It’s gotten pretty cold lately.
A: Yes, very chilly last night.
Q: Yes it was. I wonder, don’t your dogs get cold in that pen?
A: They have the, you know, the little house to go inside when it gets cold.
Q: Right. They were outside most of last night, though.
Q: Yes. Were you outside playing with the dogs? I could hear them barking a lot.
A: Well, I did throw the ball a little, when I fed them.
Q: When was that?
A: After dinner. I think it was about nine o’clock.
Q: No, this was around two or two-thirty a.m. Lots of barking.
A: Really? I didn’t even hear them. I was asleep.
Q: Me too.
Q: Until they started barking.
A: I’m so, so sorry. I’m trying to keep them better, but not being at home during the day, and I can’t have them inside the house because they scratch…
Q: I looked out the window, and they were just standing around in the pen, barking at nothing in particular.
A: Really? I’m really sorry. I’ll try…
Q: Do dogs sometimes bark just because they’re cold?
A: I don’t know…
Q: Something to think about.
SUBJECT: David W.
Across the hall. Mail for David W. is frequently put in my mailbox by mistake, mixed in a stack of mail for me.
Q: Hello, it’s Chris from across the hall.
Q: Some of your mail got mixed in with mine again. Here you go.
A: Ah… thanks. Our mailman is such a dork.
Q: True. Say, does this ever happen with your mailbox? I mean, do you ever get any of my mail?
A: No. Not that I remember.
Q: It just seems like sometimes I miss a bill or a catalog. Are you sure you don’t just get my mail sometimes, then sort of throw it away? Rather than bother giving it to me? I mean, how would I ever know, right?
A: Oh no, I’d give it to you if I got it.
Q: That’s funny you should say that, because last week I wrote a letter, addressed it to myself, and put it in your mailbox. Did you see that one?
A: Uh… no, I don’t… I don’t think so…
Q: Well, if you do find that letter, or if any other mail addressed to me comes to your mailbox, can I ask you to just keep one thing in mind?
Q: Don’t believe everything you read.
SUBJECT: Will G.
Upstairs. Has noisy sex on squeaky bed with squeaky girlfriend.
A: Hey, what’s up?
Q: Late night?
A: Yeah, I was working.
Q: Ever notice how even though this is a solid old building, how thin the walls and floors are?
A: Oh. Did I…
Q: No, no. I mean, sure, I can hear you walking around, but I’m used to it. Though you do make a lot of stomping noises for such a thin guy.
A: I’ll try to walk more quietly.
Q: I’ve seen you around lately with that petite little girl, with the fur-fringe coat thing.
A: Yeah! Denise. We’ve been going out for a couple months now.
Q: She’s cute.
Q: I have to tell you this, and please don’t take this personally, but before I saw you with her, I just assumed you were gay.
A: No way! Why?
Q: You must really like her.
A: Sure, yes I do. But wait, why did you…
Q: I can hear how much you like her, in fact. That bed of yours really makes a lot of noise.
Q: I mean it’s a huge racket. And she, uh, Denise, she’s also pretty vocal. You know?
A: I’m… well, I’m sorry. I mean, c’mon.
Q: Well, the thing is, I’m not sure you can understand just how loud it is down here when you’re up there on the bed with her.
Q: It’s not like with a creaking pipe, where I can call you down to listen next time, because if you’re down here listening, then obviously, you’re not up there making noise.
A: Look, sorry, but I really need to…
Q: So I’ve made some recordings. Of the last few sessions.
A: You did what?
Q: I promise, you’ll be amazed at the volume. If you hear some distortion on the tape, that’s just me breathing. Now listen. Listen closely to this part. This is my favorite.