Interviewing for a new job can be trying. As a newcomer to the job market, I’ve decided to compile a list of the strategies I employed during my successful interview process. This list is designed to help you avoid the pitfalls of interviewing. When using these strategies, it’s important to utilize them organically and naturally—you’ve got to make it work for you.


Arrive early.

Show up at least 10-15 hours prior to the interview and concentrate on how badly you need the position. Do some simple calisthenics and ingest large amounts of caffeine—this will get that internal fire blazing. When the interviewer breezes in, christen him/her with a pet name. Pet names often promote a feeling of camaraderie and can establish an instant rapport. Clue in on physical shortcomings. Some helpful examples are: Uncle Bulbous, Baby Hair, Bucktooth, and Bozo.


Dress to impress.

Sure, you’ve got the résumé, skills, knowledge, and experience, but don’t forget: We’re all just animals, so physical appearance means a lot! You’ll want to make the best possible “first impression.” As a rule of thumb, you can’t be too formal. A simple black tuxedo with cummerbund is sufficient, but a top hat, a cane, a monocle, and spats complete the look. If you find that you are a chick, wear one of those Japanese dress things or anything “revealing.”


Take them off their game.

To undermine their “home-turf” confidence, employ a few simple tricks to give yourself that winning edge. Stare directly at hairlines when speaking (this will provide you the advantage!). Instead of the boring old “firm handshake,” you’ll want to start off with a light leg lock or arm bar. Maintain positive eye contact. If they need to blink, allow them to do so—one eye at a time. Stand with your load-bearing leg one half step behind your leading leg, with your weight resting on the balls of your feet. This gives you defensive leverage to repel oncoming attacks.


Brag a little!

Your mindset should be that you’d be a fantastic addition to the company, so recount some of your proudest anecdotes. Tell stories of bravery, ingenuity, and integrity. Don’t hesitate to lie. Try to mix in small amounts of truth in your stories to make them sound more plausible. Bluff that you have documented proof and defy them to question you.


Be dynamic.

Prospective employers are looking for employees capable of acting decisively in new situations. Display your ability to act decisively by punching through a wall, or forcing someone into a footrace. When speaking, make sure to scream.


Manage personal space.

Getting extremely close to someone is a great form of intimidation. Intimidation helps you to force your will upon others. If you’re unsure about how close you should be, apply the “raspberry rule”—stick your tongue out; you should be able to taste the skin of anyone you’re speaking to; if not, take two (2) large steps toward that person. Some people find that fondling or caressing helps demonstrate a “hands-on” approach, though this generally works better for physically imposing interviewees. If you’re of smaller stature, tiny, concealable weapons will ensure you’re taken seriously.


Inspect the work environment.

Remember, the job-interview process is a two-way street. They are interviewing you, but you’re also assessing the work environment for personal suitability. Inspect for facility safety, and assess employee quality-of-life. Watch out for: sallow complexions, live electrical wires, excessively bony knees and ankles, dangerous murderers, swollen epiglottises and/or the HIV/AIDS virus. Remember, it’s better to take the time and do your research now—most of today’s successful businesspeople aren’t dead-ass corpses.


Creep around.

When no one is looking.


Get paid.

Even if you’re not hired for the position, you still deserve to be paid for the time and effort you’ve put into the interview process. If the company’s policy doesn’t cover you, see what the interviewer has on him.


Be tenacious.

On your way back from the interview, call to determine whether you’ve been hired for the position. If they haven’t decided to hire you, don’t take no for an answer. Keep calling and obtain the personal information of several different employees.

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The interviews of the 21st century aren’t like yesteryear’s staid and sissy evaluations of qualifications, job competency, and interpersonal-communication skills. By employing these strategies, you’ll demonstrate to any prospective employer that you’re the kind of “go-getter” that can succeed and excel in today’s fast-paced world. Remember: Above all, just be yourself—as long as “yourself” is a fake version of you without your vices or personality.