I am currently out of the office and may return on the 19th of September, or I may not. I will be periodically checking e-mail, while lamenting my marriage and drinking heavily. I may check voicemail if the tremors permit. During my last “sabbatical,” I lay on the floor for hours before Marge found me in a pool of my own fluids desperately punching buttons on a battery-less TV remote control and was thus unable to do much of anything, despite my best intentions. Projects fell through. Deadlines passed. I am embarrassed of this, am not proud of this, suffer still to this day the incriminating looks you fools toss my way. Have you no pity? This is not my choice, not my doing. I am only a man, albeit barely.
If you need immediate assistance—and likely you do, as everything is an emergency with you people—you may contact Jim Reading in Accounting, that ungrateful bastard. His extension escapes me but I am sure you are a resourceful individual—after all, you work in this fine and lauded company—and can therefore focus all of your well-honed skills upon finding it. I believe that Susan in Reception can assist you with the endeavor if she is sober. Do not let the abundance of chewing gum fool you. I have been watching her studiously and can assure you the wagon has left her far far behind. I only hope you can understand Jim through his god-awful lisp and mangling of the Queen’s English and constant stuttering. I know I cannot. How is it that a man so lacking in the social graces—and that harelip!—can find gainful employment? Do you ever ask yourself these questions, perhaps in the dark of the night or maybe in last week’s company-wide meeting? Did you notice how much Margaret focused on ethics? She has a child out of wedlock! You all amaze me every day.
In conclusion, I urge you to contact me upon my return to the workplace. Feel free to drop by my office without notification or flag me down in the hallways with a friendly jerk on the collar. You deserve my full attention.
Jonathan Bailey, Recruitment Manager.