[Originally published January 15, 2014.]
“The Frisky Spoon”
Lie in bed with your partner. Ask to spoon, then hold her from behind. Ignore the cat that just jumped onto the bed. Press closer to her. When she says she’s just tired and she didn’t shower today, tell her it doesn’t matter and kiss her neck. Glance at the clock and realize it actually is pretty late and you’re supposed to have a performance review tomorrow with Glenn. Debate whether or not to ask Glenn for a raise. You’ve hit about 60% of your year-end goals… is that enough? Go to sleep.
Greet him in sweatpants when he arrives home. Then don’t take them off. Ever. Wear this pair of sweatpants for weeks. Don’t walk around in lingerie or a cute pair of undies—just stick with sweatpants and a messy bun. He doesn’t notice either way so why not just get comfortable?
“The Couples’ Brunch”
Go to a café that serves drinks in mason jars with Kelly and Jeff. When you get home, make out for a few minutes until she asks if you think they still make out like this. Ask who she means. When she exasperatedly says “Kelly and Jeff!” give a vague answer, and then listen intently as she gives her opinion of their relationship. Accidentally defend them. Spend 45 minutes backtracking and justifying why what you have is so much stronger than what they have. Ignore her comment that at least he proposed.
“The Standing Chef”
Make a move on your partner while she is in the kitchen making pasta. Press her against the stove, which she will remind you is on. Nod as she sighs and says that the kitchen has become “too predictable” and doesn’t have the same spontaneity as it used to. Remind her that you live in a 475-square-foot studio apartment and there’s literally nowhere new to go. Ask her to make enough pasta for you.
“The Streaming Marathon”
When the two of you are alone in bed, cuddle up and do nothing but watch Netflix. Start kissing his neck and moving your hand down further and further until he says that you should really be paying attention because Breaking Bad is a very complex show with a lot of subtleties and he’s not going to answer questions later on because you missed something. Watch Gus Fring subtly stab a man with a box cutter.
“The Subtle Hint”
After sex, jokingly bring up how a friend of yours had a threesome and how crazy that is. When she laughs and writes Chris off as a creep, joke about how weird it would be if you two tried it! When her face gets serious, reiterate it was a joke and that you’re just saying people do lots of funny stuff. Like some people actually find a lot of value in open relationships. Ha ha! Or how some people use different names during sex so they can pretend they are with a stranger whose weird back moles they don’t have memorized. Hilarious!
Ask your man to help you build a new bed frame from IKEA and mention that there’s a special treat in it for him when it’s done. Wink. Order pizza as the two of you enter your third hour of bed building. Pull up a video tutorial on YouTube and immediately close it when he gets defensive. Lock the cat in the bathroom after she steals a wooden peg that was apparently important. Go to sleep on an air mattress.
“The Red Scare”
Run your fingers through your partner’s hair as he caresses your body. Realize you’re connecting physically for the first time in what feels like months. As your lover lifts you onto the bed, inform him that you’re going through a totally normal monthly biological process. Watch as his interest suddenly dissipates, then claim you have a headache when he asks if you could just blow him instead. As he plays Skyrim that night, reactivate your OKCupid account.