Klingon Personal Ads.
[Originally published January 2, 2006.]
Vivacious female seeks virile male. Willing to compromise on appearance, personality, and hygiene. Big bat’leth a must.
Now EAR this! Open-minded Klingon male seeks adventurous Ferengi female for discreet liaison. Lobe mites not a problem.
No games. I’m a head in a jar with no money, no honor, and no teeth. But I still have needs! Are you the very special female who will feed me, clean me, and occasionally recaulk my neck? Reply to email@example.com.
I’ve been hurt before … and I liked it. Male with low self-esteem seeks female with pain stick and soundproof basement. If you can dish it out, my thick leathery hide can take it.
Where are you, Cuddlegrub? I miss you so much. She meant nothing to me, I swear! Come home and we’ll work things out over a nice romantic knife fight. Your little tribble, Gnorg. P.S. Where do we keep the deep fryer?
Do you feel lucky? Humorless widow seeks husband number 10. Must enjoy nights at the opera, long walks on the beach, and defending my honor against every imaginable slight, no matter what the odds. Let’s grow slightly older together.
Hailing on all frequencies! Male seeks female for fun, friendship, and hour after hour of wild, tooth-chipping sex. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded, baby! Reply with photo or forehead cast to Box 16097.
Do you like piña coladas? Do you also like getting caught in the rain? If so, then you’re probably a weak, puny human. STAY AWAY FROM OUR FEMALES, YOU WEAK, PUNY HUMAN!
Let’s make sparks fly! Male with cybernetic implants seeks female with same. Original collarbones a plus. NO BORG.
Are you the one? We were cornered at the battle of Narendra III and spent an unforgettable night together clubbing Romulans to death with our spent disruptor rifles. Oh, how the sight of you in that studded-leather battle corset made my heart race! But when reinforcements arrived and the tide turned, we were separated. If you managed to avoid being captured or killed, let’s pick up where we left off.
SUGGESTED READSList: Klingon Fairy Tales
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (8/22/2005)
Keeping Up With the Cardassians Episode Guide
by Rupinder Gill (3/9/2009)
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (2/10/2006)
RECENTLYList: Demands from California Delegation BernieBros to NOT Disrupt Hillary Clinton’s Acceptance Speech
by Christopher Monks and John Warner (7/28/2016)
Why I’m Supporting Donald Trump: Make America Grape Again
by Seth Fried (7/28/2016)
Let’s Have a Meeting to Plan Our Next Meeting
by Josh Freedman (7/28/2016)
POPULARList: Comforting Thoughts for #NeverHillary Bernie Supporters After Trump’s First Term
by David Kawalec (7/26/2016)
List: Who Said It? Donald Trump or Regina George?
by Amber Karlins (7/22/2016)
List: Final Schedule for the 2016 Republican National Convention
by John Moe (7/18/2016)