A contagious skin condition covering the body in a matter of seconds, spreading to all of humanity in a matter of minutes, and ending life as we know it on this planet by the end of the day.


A little-known form of Tourette’s Syndrome in which the patient, while in the throes of fornication, repeatedly exclaims an incorrect name (87% of cases reported yelling out “Oh, Ana!”).


Please see Dr. Rory Applebaum’s exhaustive volume, All Things Unpleasant: The Proctologist’s Handbook of Exceptional Ailments.


A bacterial infection causing a rare mutation in which patients’ lips face their eyes or their face eyes their lips.

Dactylic Foot

A congenital birth defect resulting in one accented and two unaccented appendages protruding from the patient’s lower limbs.


A derivative of OCD consisting of irrepressible bouts to hire cab after cab, verbally subordinating or “putting down” the driver throughout the duration of each excursion.

Most noteworthy case of Hypotaxis to date:
Mr. Irvine Gronard (Chicago, 2012) occupied fifty-two taxis (and three Ubers) in one night, eventually being dragged from and beaten mercilessly by a driver who was overheard replying, “Say another word about my mother, I dare you!”


Patients are born with two or more parallel and equal in length colons. A similar condition, though even more rare, has been known to affect the prostate (see “isoprostate” – also detailed by Dr. Applebaum).


The compulsive draw to aimlessly meander around upstate New York referring to anyone even slightly dressed-up (i.e. a sport coat, blazer, or above) as a “suit.”

Terminal Caesura

The enigmatic desire to punctuate the end of one’s life by spending his/her dying breath to recite a single line of bad poetry.