We will attempt to establish a system of typographical rules by which the emotional interplay of human mating rituals may be studied, and indeed, manipulated. We will devise a system by which we can both represent the full range of human emotion and thought, and shape events through the manipulation of symbols to a more desirable end. Our starting point, or axiom, will be a personal advertisement placed in a local, free, liberal-minded newspaper, possibly by the author.

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The Advertisement

Southbound number 6 train, last Tuesday. You: Early twenties, dark hair, thin face, reading Thomas Pynchon and getting it. Me: Charismatic despite bad haircut, late twenties or early thirties, mysterious stranger in orange turtleneck. You smiled at me when a Puerto Rican made a weird digestion noise. Call me.

A System

Our system will be a simple one, by which the actors and objects in this little drama will be replaced by letters, the adjectives by numbers, and the verbs by symbols, as detailed in the chart below:

Men (in this case, the author) ↔ X
Women (in this case, you) ↔ Y
Latina ↔ L
Face ↔ F
Hair ↔ H
Young ↔ 4
Thin ↔ 1
Dark ↔ 7
Charismatic ↔ 3
Homely ↔ 2
Digestion (or consumption of edibles) ↔ 6
Weird ↔ 9
Smile ↔ ^
Addition ↔ +
Contact (in this case, telephonic) ↔ @
Multiplication (in this case, the physical act of love) ↔ ·
Negation (for any of the above symbols) ↔ ~
An ‘IF – THEN’ statement, as in (IF x THEN y) ↔ ≈ (x ≈ y)


Given this information, we so far have the formula:

[(9L+(9+6)) ≈ (4(1F(7H(Y))))^(3(2X))] + [(4(1F(7HY)))@(3(2X))] ≈ X·Y+ (^X^Y)

This translates literally to: “If, If weird modified Latina and weird and digestion, then young modified thin face modified dark hair modified woman smiles at charismatic modified homely modified man, and young modified thin face modified dark hair modified woman calls charismatic modified homely modified man, then man multiplies with woman and smile man smile woman.”

Notice the multiple conditions that must be fulfilled not only for the physical act of love to take place between the man and the woman, but also for their mutual happiness (the most logical translation of the smile).

What we will attempt to derive from this theorem, through as simple a series of transformations as possible, is a more general theory of male and female interaction, which will assure the desired result: (X·Y). If possible, (^X^Y) will be included as well. The derivations are actually quite simple, and the results compelling. Try it for yourself!

4. Derivations

We begin with the axiom:

[(9L+(9+6)) ≈ (4(1F(7H(Y))))^(3(2X))][(4(1F(7HY)))@(3(2X))] ≈ X·Y(^X^Y)

To move towards a more universal theory, we’ll transport the numbers (adjectives) away from the letters (actors/objects):

[9(L+6) (4·1·7)·FHY^3·2X][(4·1·7)·FHY@(3·2)X] ≈ XoY(^X^Y)

As a Latina will not be involved in every male / female interaction, we will remove ‘L’ from the equation, hence negating the ‘IF’ statement, and loss of the number ‘4’:

~[(1·7)·FHY ^ 3·2X] + [(1·7)·FHY @ (3·2)X] ≈ X·Y + (^X^Y)

The basic math is executed:

~(7·FHY^6X) + 7·FHY @ 6X ≈ X·Y +(^X^Y)

“~FHY” is applied to both side of the equation, temporarily canceling the “Y” from “X·Y” on the right, leaving a solo, male act of love that is both “facial” and “hairy.”

(7^6X) +@6X~FHY ≈ X·FH + (^X^Y)

Transposition, with “~H” added to both sides.

1^X(~H) +6X @~ FY ≈ X·Y +(^X^Y)

Let “^” equal “+” through the addition of a mirroring function.

(1+X~H)6X@ + (X1~H(~FY)) ≈ X·Y + (^X^Y)

Transposition Y from the second part of the left side of the equation to the first, with logical resulting shunting of symbols.

[X+(~1)6XH@Y] + ~[X1+~(F(H))] ≈ (X·Y) + (^X^Y)

“~” is applied to both sides of the equation to remove the redundancy in the second part of the left-hand side, with the logical outcome of “~X” translated as “Y,” rendering “6” nonsensical and therefore, nonexistent.

[X+(~1)(H(F))@Y] + [X1+(~H(F))] ≈ (X·Y) + (~^X~^Y)


[(X+(~1) + (H(F)))@Y] + [X+1+(~H(F))] ≈ (X·Y) + (~^X~^Y)

This is easily translated to “If man plus not thin plus hair modified face contacts woman plus man plus thin plus not hair modified face, then, man multiplies with woman not smile man not smile woman.”

Secrets Revealed

Hence, we have ascertained a mathematically certain method of manipulating the probability of convergence and multiplication between a man and a woman. If lonely, then follow these steps:

  • Gain weight.
  • Grow a beard.
  • Meet a woman.
  • Lose weight.
  • Shave.

This series of actions will doubtlessly result in step six, the physical act of love with the woman chosen in step three.


Obviously, the formula cannot be refined any further than “[(X+(~1) + (H(F)))@Y] + [X+1+(~H(F))] ≈ (X·Y) + (~^X~^Y),” though there are multiple paths to reach this stage. The interesting point is the fact that any mathematically conceived method of assuring the physical act of love between a man and a woman must include the ‘not smile man not smile woman’ function. Hence the distance between mathematics and the human heart, modified by what we will temporarily label, “the human soul.”