Oh my lord, I’m just going nuts for these nuts. Denise, have you tried these? They’re almonds I think. They might be peanuts. No wait, it says on the cone here. “Almonds.” Oh lord. My mouth is bleeding with flavor from these. I bought them at the kiosk outside of the Container Store. On the other side of the mall, yeah. You should go, they close at seven.

It’s times like these I sincerely wish I had children if only so that I could buy them an envelope of baked and flavored almonds for the first time. That’s a memory right there. That’s a scrapbook experience. Oh my lord. I’m seriously having a flavor overload, Denise.

One of them just got stuck in my tooth, I don’t even care. I’d trade one of my teeth for a flavor almond. If I could somehow guarantee it wouldn’t lose flavor ever, I’d let the almond take the place of my tooth and kick my tooth out of my mouth. I’d landlady that thing right out of there and put up a tiny sign that said WELCOME, NEW TENANT: SWEETENED ALMOND and give it a free month of rent as a signing bonus. I shit you not, Denise. Lord.

Alright, get me a cell phone, I need to call someone. It doesn’t matter who. It just doesn’t matter! I’m going to mash the keypad until some numbers come out and whoever picks up I’m going to scream with pleasure into the phone until they get down here and buy… a cone… of nuts. Pick a number for me, Denise, my eyeballs are filling with flavor, I’m not even sure I can see to mash the numbers anymore. Pick me a number. Hit the speed dial.

Is it dialed?… It’s ringing.

WHO IS THIS?! I don’t care. Westlake Mall, by the Container Store. Do your life a favor and buy an envelope cone of these damn flavor almonds… I don’t care what you’re doing, it closes at seven. After that, all bets are off. Did you hear that? All bets. Okay, goodbye.

Sorry about the phone, Denise, just get in the fountain and pick it up. It’s wet but it’s fine, I’m sure. It’s happened before, that’s how I know. I get excited. Ugh, Denise, just… I can’t even hear you anymore. My ear canals are full of almond flavor. Again.